My Broken Bowl

Hindsight

(A/N: I took out a chapter here... and added some things...)

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I finished high school. I changed a lot in those years. I had some friends by my last year of high school. My best friend that I'm calling Steve was a bold guy. He was in theater and choir. He talked me into auditioning for a play, well, not a play but a musical. I don't know what possessed me but I did it. I sang happy birthday in front of all the theater kids. I'm not a singer but I did it and I was proud of myself.

I got the part of village people. I was in the background but I was on the stage. This was huge for me. I had so much fun during practices after school and we had three nights that the musical went on and my bio dad came. He liked it. Sheila and Hank were proud of me and got me a dozen roses after the last show. I almost cried.

I know I wasn't the main actor or anything but this was a huge thing for me to do. I was proud. I felt good about myself for the first time in my life.

I took a huge step and went to college. I had to get away. My blackouts were so frequent and I was writing in a journal to a person that didn't exist... and I was trying to run from all of it. I hated all the memories I had or didn't have. I knew it was filled with bad memories and I wanted to build new ones in a new place. I thought it would be good for me... it wasn't.

Our house was full of foster kids again. I had memories I needed to escape, I think that was the main reason. I wanted to be somewhere no one knew me and I wanted to run from whatever in the hell was wrong with me. I knew I was naive and stupid. I was young and I needed some experience. It was my reason for going to college nine hours away from home.

Sheila and Hank and Saul were all supportive. I went to a Christian college supported by our church. Right, Hank and Sheila were very religious so I learned a lot about Christianity and loved some of the ideals. Unconditional love really interested me. I had a tough time grasping that concept. To love someone without any conditions, bias or prejudice. I was fascinated.

I learned a lot. Cay and I could switch when we needed to. She was better at some things than I was and I was better than her at things. We learned to blend together and try to be normal like everyone else. We tried not to contradict ourselves. I learned later that it is called masking. We practiced masking so that no one would notice our differences. We tried to stay hidden.

If we had super strong personalities, someone would notice. If I hated mushrooms and then Cay loved them and began eating them, someone would know something was wrong. We stuck with simple. I was the main personality so we kept my preferences. My likes and dislikes became Cay's likes and dislikes.

We sacrificed just to stay safe and unnoticed and I didn't want to deal with Multiple Personality Disorder.

I made some friends that I still talk to even twenty years later and we are scattered through the states. I love them dearly. We all have kids that are heading off to colleges to live their own lives and we all still talk. I am blessed. Time really flies, huh?

So after my third year at this college, I realized that I didn't want to be there. Nothing bad happened; I just didn't want to be a preacher's 'wife' or whatever they were training us for. They also thought I was female so I stayed in the girls' dorms. No one knew and I was keeping that secret. I am not free with this information.

It was never a problem because I was so shy that I couldn't even think about having sex. I knew Sheila and Hank were okay with that. I had a couple of boyfriends but nothing serious. They were both short relationships.

Sheila was thrilled that I was coming home again. I hadn't really stayed there in the summers since I left. I traveled a lot. I fell in love with it. I went to Mexico, Canada, a couple of islands, Europe and Russia. It was so great. I loved to travel. I was learning to make friends and loved being someone that had no memories for me.

I still wrote in my journal and talked to Cay a lot but we never shared our consciousness. We've learned a lot since then.