My Broken Bowl

Trying This Intro

My name is Cayden. Caden Hayes. As I began life, like everyone, I was nothing special. I was a baby with tons of hair and long limbs and a gorgeous smile, I was told. Eye roll...

My mother worshiped me. I was the child she always wanted and treated me like her little girl. (I was a boy but she didn't care. She wanted a girl and I was always dressed like a girl.). My father wanted a boy, but a manly boy not some sissy like me.

My mom had another little girl a year after me. Charlotte. And then my mom got sick when I was three, I think.

I was never the son that my father wanted. My dad was driven by work. Work, work and more work. I was so scared of him as a child. I remember that much. I didn't fit with his idea of a son. He called me a girl even at a young age. He always called me a girl. I was a sissy and he called me Sis as a nickname and it stuck.

(Everyone knew me as Sis. Even as an adult, when I was married with kids, I was Sis.) I hated it so much!

My earliest memories weren't kind and sweet. I became a victim of a very evil older half brother who was four years older. I kept my little sister safe though. If I was getting hurt, then she was safe. I saw to it. I keep her out of most of this story.

Charlotte doesn't stay with us for long. Honestly, she wasn't my mom's favorite so she moved in with an aunt and uncle when she was two. I really don't know the details because I was small. But she was safe and grew up happy. She was not involved and I won't meet with her again until I am seventeen.

So, my mom was married before my dad and had my older half brother. I won't get into that but I was abused as my ever so loving mother and standoff father stood by and did nothing to keep me safe. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused. And I was a victim like probably hundreds of thousands of people out there. I know that I'm not alone now. Back then, I felt very alienated.

My story isn't about that so I'm not dwelling on it and I have no desire to trigger myself or others and I don't want that to be my story. Besides, I didn't end there and it's not who I am now. I didn't remain a victim.

I am strong and fantastic because I made myself that way.

One of my alters told me that once and it always makes me smile.

My real story began when my mother died when I was eight. As a side note, I don't have a lot of those memories before I was eight. I have a lot of memory gaps and some are just still pictures of people or part of an event. Some things I know but I don't have the memories.

I know we used to walk everywhere because my mom couldn't drive but I don't remember walking. I know that I was close to a great uncle, he was a good man... but I don't remember much about him. I have still pictures of him in his garage working but not complete memories. I have still pictures of my mom but nothing much. Most of those memories before the age of eight are gone. I believe that Dusk took them and hides them from me as a way to help me.

I used to spend a lot of time and effort getting them but I gave up. He's very protective of me, even from myself. I would have lucid dreams, like I could control my dreams, I would go searching for those memories in elementary. As a punishment, I would get really bad nightmares and wake up almost screaming. I learned to stop.

I don't like lucid dreaming anymore. Probably because I associate them with nightmares... but I know that Dusk was protecting me from those memories that I wasn't ready for... I know that now and appreciate him for it. Those could do a lot of damage, especially when I was more unstable.

I have to back up just a little. My mom had cancer and was dying most of my life so I was used to watching her fade away. My half brother and I were moved to foster care. My dad was busy with work and my mom was dying so we needed someone to care for us.