GRISHAVERSE X READERS

[KAZ BREKKER DRABBLE]

FEMALE READER!!

Based on the song "I hate you I love you" by Gnash and Olivia O'Brien

I hate you, I love you / I hate that I want you / You want her, you need her / And I'll never be her

Warnings: angst, Kaz is cold

Word count: 906

Ever since you saw Kaz and Inej sitting at the bar counter, side by side, almost touching and Kaz looking like he smiled softly at Inej, you hadn't been able to concentrate on your tasks. Kaz had sent you to spy on people, saying that he has business to go through with Inej and you were his next choice. But you had lost all your targets because all you could think of was Kaz and Inej holding hands, joking, smiling at each other, Kaz looking at Inej with so much love and you knew you would never be the one he'd be looking at.

At the same time, you felt awful about it. Inej was one of your best friends, and she deserved to have happiness. Even if it was with the one you had loved long before Inej even came to the scene.

Now Kaz had asked you to come to his office, and your head swirled with two different scenarios - he'd either kick you out, finding Inej more useful, or then he'd send you on a longer mission so he'd get to spent more time with Inej. You didn't know which would be worse.

"Y/N. Come in," Kaz called you and you snapped out of your thoughts, not even realizing you already had arrived behind his door. You must have been so in thought. And somehow he always knew when you were standing behind his door, you didn't know how. But you opened the door and timidly stepped inside. "Lock the door and come here."

You nodded, did as he asked and walked up to Kaz's desk. "Uh, I was-"

"I've assigned you with simple tasks this week, and yet you've failed to do all of them. Care to explain why?" Kaz interrupted you as he sat behind his desk, and you swallowed.

Of course he wants to nag about this.

"I've... I haven't been feeling good. I think I'm going to be sick," you lied. Well, partly lied. Heartbreak was one case of being sick if you look it with a certain way.

Kaz took in a long breath. "Why haven't you visited a medik?"

"Because-"

"Don't lie to me," Kaz saw right through your lie before you even got it out, which was predictable.

It was stupid to lie.

Kaz took in another sigh, but this time he sounded more frustrated. "We can't afford anyone being lazy in the Dregs. If you have a real reason-"

That's it, you couldn't hold it in anymore.

"You want to know the real reason? Do you want me to tell it?" you interrupted him, and he raised his eyebrows.

"Please do."

You stared at him for a moment, almost regretting you had said that. You knew Kaz would think you're being ridiculous with your feelings and would dismiss them, but you knew there was no another way out of this situation. So you went forward with it.

"I haven't been working because getting out of my room feels painful. Seeing you is painful. Seeing Jesper with Wylan is painful. Matthias with Nina. Seeing Inej laugh, and how you look at her. And I know that I can never have that, because I'll never be her!" you screamed, your voice breaking within the last word and you buried your face into your hands. You sobbed, and Kaz's face softened when your words sank in, but you didn't see it. After a while of sobbing in front of him and your sobs having turned to hiccups and sniffles, you choked out, "You want her, you don't want me."

Kaz wanted to say that you're wrong, he wants you. That he doesn't love Inej. That he cared about her too, but not in a way he loved you. That the only reason he had spent more time with Inej was to bury his feelings for you - that you had always been the one who held his heart in your hands.

But Dirtyhands took over, his face hardened again and he clicked his tongue. "This is why you've been slacking with work? Feelings are insignificant and dangerous in the Barrel. You must learn to push your feelings aside. It's foolish to keep hopes up on something that's impossible and ruin the rest of your life because your heart aches for someone."

His words were like knives through your heart and you let out more sobs. And on that moment, Kaz wanted to take his words back - but he knew that if he let you know that he cares about you the same way you care about him, you would be in danger. It was better to push you away.

You left Kaz's office without another word, and Kaz closed his eyes for a moment, before he ran his hand through his hair and turned his gaze to his papers.

Maybe someday, he'd be able to tell the truth. Maybe when it would be safe enough - or well, safer. Maybe when other gangs wouldn't dare to even think about crossing his temper or play with fire in fear of his ruthlessness. But until then, it was better to pretend that he doesn't care about you - feelings were dangerous and if he was afraid of something else than touch, it was seeing your body, Nina trying to start your heart again and again without avail. But he couldn't let anyone know about that fear - things just were better this way.