GRISHAVERSE X READERS

A MACHINE [KAZ BREKKER]

Prompts: C45. "Could you try stopping thinking like a machine and listen with your heart?" and B88. "I've tried to forbid myself from falling in love, but now I can't help it."

Warnings: a fight, angst (or kinda hurt/comfort??) Also Kaz could be a bit OOC (at least to the book version) because he's not a very soft person, definitely not a huggybear and apparently even less so in the book (sad me doesn't have a chance to read them). Kinda scared of some of my Kaz requests because of that. Trying my best with it though. But I tried to even it in this fic by making him colder than usual at the beginning XD

Word count: 1.2k :)))

Sometimes you couldn't believe how you had feelings towards this man, Kaz Brekker, sitting in front of you, looking like he didn't even listen to you. You knew he did, but he just didn't care.

He was being so stubborn, so emotionless about your proposition to help some homeless people, get them food and maybe some clothes.

"We are not a charity, Y/N." Kaz sighed.

"They are homeless, Kaz. I was homeless when you took me in, why are these people any different?"

He just continued writing, not bothering to look up. "You were someone worth taking in. But I won't invest in anything which doesn't bring me any profit."

He seemed to be in a bad mood anyway, pouring it on your proposition, but his words still were like knives through your chest. Investing. Money. Money seemed to be all he cared about, especially when he was in a bad mood. You knew he cared about his Crows, even if he had denied it, but on days like these he escaped his negative feelings to work, to make profit.

"Could you try stopping thinking like a machine and listen with your heart?" you snapped, frustrated how he failed to see the picture around everything which wasn't about money. No matter who got hurt in the process, if they got profit, it was worth it. "Or have you finally lost it?"

Kaz finally looked up at you, placing his quill beside the paper. "I don't have time for rescuing people who won't be able to work for me. And that's final, you can leave now."

"So, you have lost your heart." you scoffed, turning on your heels, marching out from the office and closing the door a bit too roughly.

Inej immediately picked up your distressed form as you sat beside her at the bar counter, putting her hand on your arm. "Hey, are you alright?"

You took in a shaky breath, not wanting to talk about it at first, but you ended up opening up anyway. "Kaz. He only thinks about money, he won't listen when I try to... when I'm proposing that we could use our resources to help some people who need it, without getting anything in return. For once, show a little bit of empathy. And things like this are why I've tried to push my feelings towards him away." you let out a choked sob. "He's cold and emotionless, seems to have forgot his skill to feel empathy, but...I know there's more than just money in his life, he just doesn't want to show it. I don't know why, but I just know there is something more. I know it's stupid-"

"It isn't stupid, Y/N." Inej interrupted you, weighing her next words for a few seconds. "And Kaz... I know, he's not good at emotions."

You scoffed as you tried to swallow that irritating lump in your throat. "Yeah, I've noticed."

Inej glanced at Kaz's office door, knowing perfectly wll why Kaz was always colder than usual with you. Inej knew that Kaz cared about you, more than he usually cared about people. She knew Kaz even had at least slight feelings for you, but he was scared of them too, so that's why he had decided to drive you away, to suffocate those feelings. He probably didn't want to risk it, possibly break your heart even if you ended up together. Kaz hadn't said anything about it, of course, but Inej had seen that look on Kaz's face when he looked at you, when he thought that nobody would notice. His usually cold and emotionless face had a stripe of affection, and Kaz never answered when Inej asked about it. He knew Inej would immediately catch it if he lied. He knew he was feeling things despite all the suffocating, but it was better to keep quiet so he wouldn't have to finally admit it to himself either.

—

Inej stood by the doorframe of Kaz's office, watching him work for a while before speaking. "Kaz, you're driving them away if you treat them like that. I know you don't want that."

"Y/N can be replaced if needed, just like everyone else." he slowly stated, but Inej knew Kaz too well, she knew he was lying.

"I know you don't mean that." she sighed and Kaz didn't answer anything. "If you want Y/N to stay, if you don't want them to think that you're turning into some heartless monster who only cares about money, you'd better change your ways with treating them."

"Inej-"

"No, listen. Y/N won't last much longer. They care about you too, but you're breaking their heart, ripping it apart piece by piece. They love you, but they wish they didn't, and I can see why. I know you aren't good at emotions, but you aren't this cold with others. Y/N doesn't know what's wrong and they're beating themselves over it. You don't have to show affection, but at least treat them fairly."

And with that, Inej left Kaz to his work, but he had stopped writing, Inej's words echoing in his head. Inej always knew the right words to make Kaz think, as much as he had tried to push his feelings to the side. He didn't want to let you in, too afraid you'd get scared when he'd open the doors. Too afraid you'd never be able to look him in the eye when you'd get to know about his demons, about everything that had happened to him, why he was so cold and why he was afraid of feelings. He was afraid to reach out to you, start treating you again like he did before developing those feelings, because he didn't want to admit it to himself. Even when he already had admitted them in a way.

"I've tried to forbid myself from falling in love, but now I can't help it." he muttered to himself, briefly imagining saying it to you. But he couldn't imagine it any further than that. He'd break your heart eventually, drive you off anyway. It was better to keep your relationship purely professional - even if you both had feelings for each other.

But... maybe someday he'd be able to let you little closer, maybe someday he could let you help him get over his trauma. He knew that you could help him with it, given a bit of time, but only if you wanted to, only if it wasn't too much for you. But he had a tiniest bit of hope that it was possible. Maybe someday he could touch you, caress your cheek and forget about the rest of the world. Show you how much you really meant to him. But it would take time. He cared about you, more than he ever could have imagined when he first encountered you there on the street - and now you were quickly making your way to his heart, even when he had tried to stop it.

Maybe someday he could finally accept his feelings towards you. Maybe someday he could hold you without wanting to let go immediately.

Maybe someday he could proudly say you were his.