Mcyt -autistic- oneshots

Letting you in (Jack)

Jack's POV:

I have masked for years now, and when I say years, I mean simply as long as I can remember. It's strange for me to mask, I'm a boy. Most autistic boys don't teach themselves to mask, or really mask at all. But there I was, the age of 19 and still masking around my parents.

Let me explain. Masking is where I pretend to be neurotypical. All the little things in social situation which a neurotypical person's brain will do automatically, I have to do manually. I have to remember to do it, and do it in the specific order. And it completely changes depending on the person. The way I talk to each of my online friends is even different to how I talk to them in real life. For me, a discord call is a completely different social scenario to talking in a coffee shop, and my brain has to work with that information.

I mask too much. And you wouldn't think that would be an issue, but when the only time you are really yourself is when you are home alone, and in your own room, things get difficult real quick. I'm tired all the time, from constantly being 'me' or the me that everyone thinks I actually am. And the amount of pressure I feel to just exist, not even do anything particularly great: it's just more than I can handle most days. But I think that the worst part might be the fear. The fear that means tears form in the corners of my eyes at even the thought of voluntarily unmasking to anyone.

Even in meltdown or sensory overload, where I lose control, I am so fearful of judgement and just tried to hide as much as I can from people. My parents don't understand the fact that I don't unmasks around them. They think they've done something wrong, which they haven't. Or at least, I don't think they have. I've just never felt safe around people. Anyone. Even best friends, or my parents. People are so inherently scary to me, that I've never felt truly safe around any of them. Fun fact: I never feel safe by myself either. I'm so paranoid about something bad happening to me or to the people I love, but am not with at that time. So, in truth, I don't remember a time where I ever truly felt safe. And that sucks, but I can't change it.

Moving in with Scott was even more difficult, but whilst I didn't completely mask around my parents, it was less than with others. Well, not really any less, just masking different things. But that had to change. And Scott was great with everything, and Scott was super understanding. And Scott even said, "you can unmask if you want Jack, I'm not going to mind." But I just didn't feel safe. 

I don't really know to explain it to people. But it's an uneasiness. Like at any point something bad could happen. You know when you walk down an alleyway, and it looks a little dodgy already, and the smells a bit off. But you walk down it anyway because whilst you are on edge about it, and maybe even a little scared, it's a quicker way to get to somewhere. Well that's what being with people feels like to me. I'm just on edge, all the time, but it's a quicker way to get around everywhere. Even that feels wrong, but I just don't really know what else to say.

A lot of people say I try and pretend to be like Tommy or Wilbur, or any of my other friends who are content creators, and they are right I suppose. My masking personality is entirely based on the people around me. There are the basic parts based off my parents of course (and a little off my younger brother, Josh) but the rest of it, especially the type of masking I do on stream, it's all based off the people I would normally stream with. Because that's the only way I know how to do it. It works, people still like watching my content. But sometimes I get all in my head about the fact that maybe they just like me cause I act like Tommy. Imposter syndrome hits even harder when you are constantly masking. Because no one should be able to do such a thing, and therefore you just say that you simply cannot be autistic. Or at least that's what I do.

And normally this is part where a person would say 'and I'd love to let you in, but I just can't'. But I'm not going to say that. I'm so, so very scared of letting you in, that any positives like being less tired, just get instantly dismissed. That fear of unmasking and being disliked, controls my life. And I've tried to talk to therapists about it, but there's a slight issue there. Therapy require you to be honest, and I just mask. Now that's not to say I'm dishonest when I mask. In the best description, I tell the truth, just not the whole truth. And so we never get anywhere, and they can't help me. Which sucks, because at 19, I'm learning that I do really need that help, but something in my brain is stopping me from getting it. And in order to get rid of the thing that stopping me, I need some help. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to get out. As for how long I can get spinning round in the menacing circles it creates: well I'd rather not talk about that one.

Letting you in, letting anyone in, is the scariest, most fear inducing thing I'll ever have to do. But the day I do it, will be the first time in my life that I might actually feel safe. Because if someone loves me (in any way, shape or form) for the real person I am, the unmasked person I am, then surely I am safe with them. And they will do their very best to keep me safe from everything I still struggle to trust. I just can't let anyone in yet. 

Take your biggest fear, have every day for as long as you can remember back be leading up to the day you have to face that fear, then try face it. You will have psyched yourself up and out so many times that actually facing it becomes a near impossible task and I only say it like that to give myself hope. I'm not ready to do it yet, to let you in yet. But I'm scared that if I don't do it soon, I'm just never going to be ready. To be honest, I think I'm just scared of everything. Yea, that sounds right.

A/n Hey. Thank you so much for reading. I know this was a little short and more of a monologue than a story but I hope you still enjoyed. I promise I am still really putting effort in with this book, even if it seems like I'm not. Hope you enjoyed and have a good day.

Thank you.