Mcyt -autistic- oneshots

Playing a character (Jack and Eleanor Neale)

Jack's POV:

Going on tour with Tommy and Freddie was awesome. It was just one of those things that I couldn't quite believe was happening. When I think about younger me, sat in my classes at school, making stupid videos: I can't work out how I've got here.

I remember I was 11 when I first realised what being autistic really meant. Going to secondary school made me so anxious and made everyone around me realise how much anxiety I was already facing on a daily basis. At primary school, the small classes and kids that I'd grown up around, dealt with my idiosyncrasies like it was nothing; whereas at secondary school things went down hill quickly.

It took me until my gcse computing class to find friends who were just like me. The three years before that were living hell. I did my best to socialise, to fit in and to work at the standard that was expected on me but I was constantly anxious and would have to take naps every day after school in order to keep up. I wasn't very happy and remember feeling so much like an alien that I felt I might actually be one. Once I was doing my gsces and a levels and had a steady group of friends, it all started to settle down.

In fact, the whole streaming thing was just my way of building my confidence back up. Of reminding myself that I could do a lot more than I thought and that being autistic was never going to hold me back as long as I found my way round the problems it presented. As I said, I just never guessed I'd be doing a tour with Tommyinnit. Funnily enough, I don't think he did either.

We did the show as normal, meeting everyone afterwards and then I headed back to my place with Eleanor. I hadn't been able to see her for a bit so a part me of was actually excited. I was fine all in all; in fact, I'd fed off the energy of all the fans we'd met and apart from being exhausted, was in high spirits. So I really wasn't sure why I broke down crying when we walked through the front door.

"Hey, what's happened?" She asked softly, rubbing my shoulder.

"Nothing!" I sobbed. Hands pressed against my ears, all the stuff I'd been holding dropped on the floor.

"Well. What can I do to help?"

"Nothing because nothing's wrong and you can't fix it if nothing's wrong! You can't help, no one can help, nothing can help."

"Something can always help. Why don't we go sit down?"

"No!"

"Okay, how about laying down? Would that be better?" I liked the covers on my bed, and I'd missed them. They made me feel calm. Maybe laying down would be okay. "If you want to lay down, why don't you just touch my hand. Or talk to me, whatever works."

I touched her palm lightly instead of talking. My brain was shutting itself down and I was slowly getting more and more upset. She squeezed my hand and guided me to the bed. She went to walk off but I refused to let go of her hand so she just sat down next to me and sighed.

My tears had just about stopped but I was biting my lip to stop me crying out. "You ready to talk?" I shook my head and squeezed her hand. "Did something happen or did everything just sort of hit you at once?" I squeezed her hand twice and leant my head on her shoulder. "Well, let's just chill for a bit and try to get some sleep."

I didn't know how to reply so just kept biting my lip and try to control my breathing. We sat in silence for a while before she finally put some music on. This was how the night of my boxing match ended too. A dark room, soft music playing and her hand in mine. Just hoping the world might leave me alone for long enough so that I could just catch a break. Everything I'd been working up to, all that expectation, anxiety and energy and then like some kind of bomb it exploded and left me in the dust. I didn't understand it as much this time around, the tour wasn't even over yet.

"And there's nothing else that's bothering you right?" I burst into tears again and struggled to keep it all in. "That sounds like there is."

"Just-just playing a character all the time. Feeling like I can't be myself."

"But we talked about that before you went."

"But it felt too awkward. Tommy and Freddie are younger than me and I don't know any of the others very well and I just felt like I'd be pushing it on to someone else."

"So you've been keeping it inside the whole time?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Tommy asked if I was okay and I just lied. Same with Freddie. I guess they worked out something was wrong but I just kept pretending."

"When you streamed and we spoke on the phone, you seemed okay, you didn't mention anything."

"Didn't think to. I had a good time. I was enjoying it."

"But you weren't being yourself?"

"I was! Just not my full self."

"Main thing is, what can we do tonight to help?"

"Kind of hungry."

"Of course you are. Lets go see if you've got anything that's still edible in your kitchen."

As we walked into the lit room, Eleanor looked at my face with a scared expression. I gave a panicked one back. "Here," she said, handing me a sheet of kitchen roll, "your lip." I realised I must have bitten it too hard and tried not to look at the blood so I didn't stress myself out even more.

I got myself a cup of water and sipped it, cringing at the metallic, bloody taste I got every now and again. Then I started looking around for something to eat.

Eleanor's POV:

He seemed a lot calmer as he sipped at the broth in the pot noodle. The small gash on his lip made my heart sink a little but I tried my best to remain positive. If he realised I was panicking too, he would spiral too quickly for me to bring him out of it.

"You not eating?" He mumbled.

"I'm not hungry, I ate earlier." He half nodded and went back in for some noodles.

"You like me, don't you?"

"Of course I do. Why?" He shrugged. I paused, "I love the real you even more than I love the character you play. And I love that stupid guy a hell of a lot already."

"I thought the real me was the stupid one?" He asked with a wry smile.

"You knew exactly what I meant," I retorted, smiling at the fact he was calm enough to joke around with me.

"You don't think I'm annoying then?"

"Of course not! And neither does anyone else. Has someone said something?" He shook his head and looked solemnly at the table. "Who?" I looked at him sternly.

"Just someone at one of the shows. It was fine, we've all been getting comments like that."

"You sure?"

"I just don't know any more. I think I need a break."

"Well, you've got a few days before you have to travel up to Cardiff."

"No, I need time out now. Like this evening."

"Sorry, yea lets go, well what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I umm, laying down?" I nodded and held my hand out again. He took it, squeezed it and looked into my eyes. "Thank you."

I looked back into his, "you're welcome."

A/n You have no clue how awkward I found writing this. I am horrific with love, anything to do with it and the fact that these guys are dating (I hope to god they are still dating cause I'm so rubbish at keeping up with stuff like that, please correct me if need be).

Anyway, hello again! One of my friends went to the Brighton show of Tommyinnit's tour so I thought I might as well do a chapter on it. Kind of happy with how it turned out?

How is everyone? I'm not ashamed to say that the other day I read through all these oneshots again and realised 1: how much my writing has improved, but 2: that I love the stories I've written. Personal favourites include any lore-based ones, 'It was supposed to be fun' and 'Halloween party'. Hope everyone enjoyed!