Mcyt -autistic- oneshots

Paper on the mirror (Ranboo and Tubbo)

TW- panic attack and body dysmorphia (it's discussed, I don't know but I think some people might find that triggering)

Ranboo's POV:

I ended the subathon. I watched everything shut down, the chat disappeared and the button stoped flashing red. I shut down my computer, so exhausted that all I wanted to do was go to bed. Subathons were so much fun, and for a great cause, but very difficult. Masking that much for that long is difficult. I mean I would mask every day at school, but even then I would have breaks, and that wasn't over 12 hours. I left my mask and glasses on, not wanting to see my face and liking the fact the rooom was darker and didn't smell as strong as it normally did.

I knew what was happening. Well I didn't. I knew something was going to go wrong. I knew I was going to lose control. But I didn't know if that was going to be a panic attack, a sensory overload or a meltdown. Unsurprisingly, they are all common for me. You know, the teenager with autism and anxiety. You mix in sensory issues and body dysmorphia, and it's the perfect recipe for that kind of thing. But Tubbo was sleeping, and I would feel like a bad friend if I woke him up. I went into the kitchen and got a glass of cold water, thinking it might stop me feeling as overwhelm and bring me out of the panicked state I was going into. It didn't. And instead, I ended up sitting with my knees up to my chest, in the corner of the kitchen, rocking slightly and trying to be quiet. I still didn't want to wake Tubbo up.

The tears started falling down my face, flowing straight into my mask, making me hate the texture of it on my face. Everything made everything else worse. I could feel the temples of my sunglasses pressing into the sides of my head, and all I could think was: don't cry, you'll wake Tubbo up. That's exactly what happened. I heard Tubbo stir in the other room, and instantly fell into a pit of hyperventilating, being even louder than before.

"Boo?" I didn't answer. Rather I couldn't answer. "Ranboo? Where are you?" I just started sobbing, my cries becoming louder and him eventually finding me. "It's ok. Everything is going to be just fine. Take some deep breaths with me?" He started doing exaggerated breathing and sat down in the other corner, I could still see him but him sitting at the other corner of the cupboards meant he wasn't right in front of me. He knew I didn't like it when people stood in front of me. I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn't do it.

"Can you talk?" I shook my head; going non-verbal sucks but it's a large part of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I ever became a twitch streamer. "That's okay. We are just going to take some deep breaths. You are doing well so just keep going. It's going to end, you'll be breathing again properly in just a minute." He kept talking to me as I slowly regained control of my breathing. 

"You want to take off the mask and glasses now?" I shrugged. "How about the mask or the glasses?" I handed him the mask that had become heavier with all my tears dripping into it. He put it on the work top above him and shuffled closer to me. "You want to sit here for a bit and just breath with me?" I nodded, resting my head on his shoulder. He offered me his left hand and I started tapping on it. Using my finger to make a pattern of tapping on his fingers and palm. I found it calming. My panic attack may have been over, but I was still very overwhelmed.

"Hey Boo?" I gave a small hum, still being pretty non-verbal. "What do you think about sitting on the sofa instead. Might be more comfortable?" I nodded but didn't make any efforts to get up yet. "Come on," he stood up and reached a hand out. I used it to help myself up and then put on of my hands on Tubbo's shoulder. He guided me through to the living room and handed me a blanket as I sat down. I took off my glasses and put my blanket over my head instead. It blocked everything out like my sunglasses did, but also gave a nicer texture to feel.

I could hear Tubbo running about doing things but I didn't take the blanket off my head. Instead, I did my best to calm down and ran my fingers against the blanket. I started humming to myself, it was the melody of one of my favourite songs. That helped too. Before long, I wasn't really overwhelmed, just exhausted and desperate to go to bed. Knowing that for once, I would go to sleep straight away.