I Fell In Love With My Bestfriend

Heavy Hearted

A few weeks have passed since the incident took place. Ashton still hasn't regained his memory about me and no one has the courage to tell Ashton what Maria has done. So instead, we came up with a plan to tell him that Maria decided to move on once he'd come home. Ashton was really hurt of course, but he's started to heal. As for Chase, we told Ashton he had moved away as we did not want the news of Chase having passed away to cause Ashton a stroke or anything. Still can't believe Chase is gone. His funeral was just a few weeks ago. It's heartbreaking to think he's no longer here with us or that he won't be walking down the aisle to graduate with the rest of us.

I on the other hand have been going to counselling to help get over the traumas I've faced. Counselling hasn't really been of any help. My mind feels heavy and cloudy all the time. I try to feel grateful for everything I still have, but it doesn't always work. I often find myself crying at night with a pillow on my face so no one can hear me. The pain is so bad it shakes my whole body. It's been rough and I feel as though I'll never get past it.

I have been keeping myself occupied by volunteering at the children's hospital. It helps being around children, but also saddens me when I see all the young ones struggling in various ways. 

Of course, all of us have been putting on a strong face for Ashton, but when he's resting, we all relive the past and talk about it. Mainly about how much we miss Chase. We always have some story of his to tell. He was always the optimistic one in the group. The one who made everyone laugh. None of us have been the same since the incident. Everyone has been grieving and attending counselling to heal.

We still haven't figured out how to break the news to Ashton. He's been trying to get a hold of Chase, but he obviously can't cause he's not here. Ashton thinks he must've done something that Chase won't respond. We just tell him he's busy with the moving and he also never answers us. I mean what else is there to tell him? We can't exactly risk telling him the truth without him having a stroke. So we keep up with the charades instead. 

I wish things had gone differently everyday. I keep wishing it hadn't happened in the first place, or that I were the one who would have been shot instead of him as it was meant for me anyways , but I can't change the past. So I've been reading up on psychological books that can help me to overcome the fear that is inside me. After all, I've decided that once I graduate I want to hop into this field of study. May help me to stay connected with myself while I also connect with others and help them through similar situations. 

For the past few days I've just been sitting at home, hiding away at home in my room. I haven't felt like going out or seeing anyone besides my counsellor. I've received calls and texts from my friends, which I always respond to so they don't worry, but I haven't left my house or room in days. I've just been sitting in bed binge watching Dynasty and eating junk food. I haven't attended any of my classes in days, but would you be able to attend classes or keep up with life on a daily after the trauma? 

I have tried for weeks to keep up a facade, but eventually I no longer could so I let myself go. I let myself just fall and be vulnerable. I mean I have lost so many in such a short time in life, I no longer know how to cope. There's a constant ache in my heart. A hole which may never be filled. Void has taken over me. 

I want to get up but then I say whats the point cause I don't see the meaning behind life anymore. I don't see a reason to fight. Ashton's not Ashton anymore. None of us really hang out anymore, we've kind of become distant. The only time we do sit and talk is after a counselling session, but I haven't been attending those either. I feel like a ghost in this world as though I don't have a home, or a reason to belong.

My dings once again and it's a message from Tyler. I didn't want to respond, until I saw it had to do with Ashton. I just responded with I'll be over in 20" and hopped off the bed to take a quick hot shower to awaken me. I got dressed and rushed out the house, driving over to Ashton's place.  At arrival, I was shocked at the information which Tyler had given me. 

ONE LAST CHAPTER UNTIL WE REACH THE END! THANK YOU ALL FOR THE LOVE AND APPRECIATION TOWARDS MY BOOK. I AM GRATEFUL! I HOPE TO PUBLISH THIS BOOK ONE DAY. 

IN THE MEANTIME, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK HAS CAUSED FOR ELENA TO BECOME SHOCKED? LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS BELOW! HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY LOVELIES