[[OLD]] A Handful of Daffodils (Forgotten Series, #7)

Chapter Fifty-Three

A few days later

"Mumma!" Amaya beamed at her reflection in the mirror as she turned her head this way and that, looking at the small, blue satin bonnet I had put on her head. "I look just like Ensa! Like twins!" Her rounded cheeks were rosy and she looked up at my with her eyes sparkling. Her innocence about what I was, about the fact we were so very different, was enough to make me want to melt.

She had seen me in my bonnets more than once and had nearly begged me to wear one. I had been leery, not because I didn't want her to, but I wasn't sure how Dana would take it. My father had forbade me from wearing them around the house growing up and Lisa had been nearly as agitated with me when she spotted me wearing them. But my wariness had been unwarranted as Dana had come to me to ask where I got the bonnets because Amaya wanted one. I explained that Simon always picked them up from the salon and it was okay because she could have one of mine.

It had hurt to hold that too small bonnet Brochan had given me and know I was giving it up but a part of me knew it would hurt more as a reminder. So I had French braided Amaya's hair and then gave her the bonnet, showing her how to put it on and how to tuck her braids in. She had demanded to look intl the mirror and that was where we were.

"I bet you look amazing!" Dana called it out and Amaya wiggled in her spot on the sink and I carefully helped her down. The wounds on my back twinged but didn't do much more than that. They were completely closed now and while Dana still used the salve on them, I knew I didn't really need to have it applied anymore. We had even stopped using the bandages.

The little female gave a small chirp of happiness as she skipped out of the room, that blue bonnet with daffodils firmly on her head. "We are twins!" She giggled as I followed her down the hall and into the kitchen where Dana was cleaning up from lunch.

She turned around and grinned at Amaya, pressing her hands to her hips as she bent over. "You are! Nearly identical!" She glanced up at me and winked, the action teasing and I gave her a small smile back. I had been with her and Mike for two weeks now and I enjoyed my time with them. They were so kind, so much more than I deserved to be perfectly honest. I knew what some of the pack thought, not that I would have seen them. I hadn't left Dana and Mike's because it had been decided it wasn't safe.

I wasn't quite sure how to feel about it. I wasn't quite sure how to feel about anything anymore. There was a curious sort of numbness that filled me when I tried to categorize how my life currently was. There was no way for me to label it or to categorize it. I was an unwanted female, a burden, but the male I belonged to had 'loaned' me out to another family and I hadn't seen him since. I missed Brochan, I missed how we used to be and later at night when I would stare at the ceiling, thinking about what happened, I would cry.

Missing him was like a heavy ache in my chest but missing him and knowing he hated me made it feel scrubbed raw. Like I was bleeding on the inside and no amount of trying to tell myself I understood why he hated me, I understood his reasonings and he was justified, made that feeling go away. I was alone with everything happening. I couldn't go to him and let him know what happened, he didn't want to hear anything from me. But all I wanted to do was tell him about our little female, to tell him the deal I made, to have him figure it out for me.

I couldn't though. There was no way I could let anyone know what happened. As much as I would have liked to let Brochan know, to tell him about the little life we created, it hurt that I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. Not because it wasn't safe to tell anyone but because I knew he would be angry with me. That night where we got drunk and were intimate, had made him so upset with me. It had been a massive mistake but a baby was so much worse than that. I had tread on dangerous territory that night, for him to learn I did something so much worse than that?