The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 53

I set the salad I'd made on the buffet table at my uncle's restaurant and surveyed the spread of holiday food. There were a lot of Italian dishes, naturally, but someone made a roast turkey to make the feast somewhat traditional. I hadn't eaten since breakfast, so I picked up a piece of calamari and popped it in my mouth.

"No sneaking bites before dinner starts," my grandmother said as she joined me. "Looks like a nice meal, though your Aunt Sabine never puts enough sauce in her ziti. I tell her every year that she needs extra since the pasta absorbs it as it cooks."

"What did you make?"

"The minestrone soup," she gestured to the large Crockpot at the end of the table.

I wrapped an arm around her. "Then that's what I'll start with."

"How are you doing, my love? Your father tells me your heart is still hurting."

"I'm fine."

She frowned. "Don't lie to your grandma! That's a sin!"

"Okay, well maybe I'm not fine, but I will be. It's just taking time to get over him."

"I don't understand why two people in love wouldn't try to work things out," she said with a cluck of her tongue.

"The whole reason we broke up was because he didn't love me." It hurt every time I said this or even thought about it.

"That's not true. I saw how that handsome young man looked at you and there was love in his eyes. When you get to be my age, you know these things."

"That's how he always looks. I think it's one reason he made it big- he has a loving expression most of the time and it's very endearing," I explained.

"Nonsense. I know what I saw." She turned around and called out, "Time to eat!"

The family gathered around the buffet and began filling their plates, and then we all found seats at the huge table. I was next to two of my younger cousins who spent most of the dinner looking at their phones, which they had on their laps to avoid getting scolded.

"Are you seeing anyone?" my Aunt Ellie asked me during a lull in the conversation.

"Nope, and I'm not looking."

"My friend Larry has a son who manages one of those fancy supermarkets in the suburbs," Uncle Sal said loudly. "He's recently divorced and is a nice guy."

The bulk of my problems with Shawn stemmed from the aftermath of his breakup with Camila, so a divorced guy was one enormous red flag. "No thanks. I'm good," I said with a fake smile.

"A pretty girl like you shouldn't be sitting at home every night," Aunt Delores chimed in.

My grandmother hit her knuckles on the table to get everyone's attention. "Leave Lucy alone. Her love life isn't something we should discuss as a family!"

I gave her a look of gratitude and continued eating. When dinner was over, everyone sat around drinking wine and talking until the younger members of the family grew restless for the gift exchange.

Because my extended family was so big, everyone over twenty drew a name and bought for that person. The teenagers and kids were exempt from buying gifts, and each one got presents from all the aunts and uncles. I'd drawn my oldest cousin, Benny, and after weeks of deliberation, I bought him hockey tickets. He was thrilled with the gift which made me happy. My Uncle Lou had to shop for me, and I was unsurprised to find a wad of cash in the sparkly gift bag he handed me. It was better than the ugly sweater I'd received from his wife the year before.

My dad and I had given each other our presents at his house earlier. Christmas morning was a fairly subdued occasion for us, and I wondered if I'd ever be able to enjoy it like I had before my mom died.

When everyone had room in their stomachs again, the desserts were brought out. My dad provided most of them, and my favorite was the amaretto-soaked pound cake he made every year. I topped it with berries and a heaping mound of real whipped cream. When I finished my plate, I helped myself to more.

"Time for photographs!" Grandma shouted. "After that we're singing carols!"

Every year she insisted on photos of each family as well as a big group shot taken with the timer. She even got the pics printed and put them into a photo album, though every year I tried to tell how much easier it would be to create a digital version.

My dad and I were the smallest group since everyone else had large families, so it took no time at all to get a good photo of us. My cousin Alana, the best photographer in the family, sent it to me. While the next group was having their pic taken, I debated posting it on Instagram. I never used my account, but it was a really great shot and I wanted to share it. I wrote a short caption and tagged my dad before putting it on my account.

Within seconds, both Briya and Fallon commented about how shocked they were to see a notification from me. A couple minutes later, my screen lit up again and I saw that Shawn liked it. For whatever reason, this made me panic, so I immediately deleted the post.

After my dad dropped me off at my apartment, I crawled into bed with my journal.

First social media contact with Shawn since our breakup. Was he just being polite by liking my post? It's not like it actually meant something.

Today was rough. Christmas is always hard since my mom isn't here, but today was worse. The whole time I felt like my family was pitying me. I never should have let Shawn go to my birthday dinner because that made everyone excited about me dating him. If I ever date anyone seriously again, he'll meet my family for the first time at our wedding.

Unfortunately, I can't picture myself with anyone else. Was this what it was like for him after his big breakup? It's not like we had anything like what they had, so his pain was probably exponentially worse. No wonder he didn't want to get involved again.

I set my journal down and went on my phone to see if he'd shared anything on social media today. My heart skipped a beat when I saw that he'd put something on his story. I opened it expecting to see a holiday themed photo, but it was just another short cryptic sentence, this time in his handwriting.

i am human and i make mistakes

I read it several times, confused about why he'd post something like this today. Then I noticed that he'd actually shared it the night before, so it would disappear soon. I took a screen shot and closed up my phone. Impulsively, I opened it again, went to his story, and pressed the little heart at the bottom before picking my journal up again.

I wonder if he thinks I was a mistake. I was probably more of a waste of time, though if I got him over the rebound hump, he probably didn't regret what we had.

What did we even have? He was touring most of the time I knew him. We had several intense brief periods together but that was it. It wasn't some sort of storybook love affair. It was inconsequential. A fling.

I opened my phone again and his story had expired. He had, however, just posted a couple photos of him with his parents, sister, and cousins. There were only a thousand likes, but I saw that Camila was one of them. I looked at the comments and saw that she'd wished him merry Christmas. I couldn't help myself from looking at her account. She'd posted repeatedly throughout the day and he'd also liked several of the things she'd shared. They were still connected, which I decided to take as a sign that it was good I extricated myself from that situation before it got worse.