The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 56

I looked up from my computer and stared out the window at the huge snowflakes that had just started falling from the sky. Inky was on her perch, mesmerized by the burgeoning blizzard. Every now and then she'd let out a little chirping sound and would paw at the glass, perhaps hoping to catch some snow.

My phone buzzed as I got a notification that Shawn posted on Instagram. It was a beautiful pic of the Toronto skyline from his condo. He'd written 'Came home last night and loving this blizzard' as the caption. I smiled at the thought of him being back in the city, though it didn't really make a difference if he was here or a few thousand miles away.

Over three weeks had passed since we'd texted and no more had come of it, which proved he wasn't missing me like I was missing him. He'd probably thought of me when he was drunk and sent the text impulsively. This was what I told myself every day, but there was a tiny voice screaming in my head that I should consider a more positive possibility.

I stood up and walked over to the window and took a photo of the street. I didn't have a spectacular vista like Shawn, but my neighborhood looked lovely with the accumulating snow covering everything. I went on IG, selected the photo, and wrote, 'Always home and loving this blizzard.' Then I posted it.

Less than a minute later, I deleted it when I realized he might interpret it as flirty if he saw it. Had that been my intention? Maybe subconsciously. More accurately, I'd put it up there to test him since he might have responded if he missed me. But what if he didn't? That would have opened up my barely-healing torn heart. It was for the best that it was gone and I'd never know the outcome.

Another notification for Shawn's account appeared on my screen, this time for a DM.

I saw that

Fuck! Of course he saw it...that man was always on his damn phone. What was I supposed to do now? Replying right away seemed desperate, so I set my phone face down and got back to work. Uncle Sal called and asked me to send the latest payroll data, so I gathered that info and sent him the spreadsheet. A bit later, my dad emailed about pricing a cake for a baby shower. I got caught up on bank transfers and before long, it was lunch. I picked up my phone and saw that Shawn hadn't DMed again, which wasn't surprising since the ball was now in my court.

After heating up some soup, I sat at my table and considered my options. I could engage with him, but what would that get me? I'd only miss him more if we resumed contact. But what if he really did miss me? What if he wanted me back? Was that possible? If it was, we'd end up right where we left off; I'd be in love and he'd be in like.

Still...having Shawn like me had been pretty wonderful. I'd never been happier than I was when I was with him, even if those times had been fleeting. I was miserable now, so what exactly had I accomplished by ending things?

I opened IG and sent a short reply.

You saw nothing!

He immediately responded with the skull emoji. A few seconds later he switched from Instagram to text and messaged me.

How are you

I smiled at his lack of punctuation.

I'm well. How are you?

The three dots appeared for a while and then vanished without a text. Then they reappeared, disappeared, and reappeared again. I wondered if he'd ever send what he was struggling to compose, but eventually he did.

I'm not great

My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. No matter how things were between us, I wanted him to be happy because he deserved that. I took a deep breath and replied honestly.