The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 105

History has a way of repeating itself.

I stared at what I'd just written in my journal as I considered the irony. There was no history. We'd broken up during the winter in my dream and now we'd done the same thing in reality, but that was coincidence not repetition. One thing had nothing to do with the other, even if they felt similar. I ripped the page out and started over.

I miss him.

I miss him so much that my entire body aches like I have an emotional flu. I tried taking Advil but of course that did nothing to dull the pain.

Last night I woke up three times from a very fitful sleep, and the first thing I thought was that it was all my fault. I'd felt this way in the dream when we broke up the first time, but this was different. I was a hundred percent to blame for ruining something wonderful.

Why hadn't I told him? Was it because on some level I was afraid that his fears were true? Did my feelings in the dream influence my feelings in real life? Maybe they did at the beginning, but I know that my love for him developed into something real. And I didn't do anything on purpose! I made sure that what grew between us happened organically.

But...I never should have kept the truth from him or spun the web of lies that spiraled from that sin of omission. In the moment, the fibbing felt harmless, but it was anything but. I'd lost his trust and that's what he knew he'd struggle to get past. I couldn't blame him for that; it all fell on my shoulders.

Setting my journal aside, I picked up my phone and checked to see if he'd posted anything. I hadn't heard from Shawn since he left, but after four days, I was desperate for some form of contact, even if it was merely a photo on my phone. His Instagram and Twitter hadn't been updated since he'd shared a few pics from the cabin getaway. One (taken by Brian) was of the two of us snuggled together on a chair, hours before the bottom fell out of our relationship during the hot tub drinking game.

A text appeared on my screen. It was Briya, apologizing for the millionth time. I ignored it because I couldn't handle telling her again that it wasn't her fault. She may have started the chain of events that led to me losing Shawn, but if I hadn't lied to her, that never would have happened.

I climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom to shower, but first I looked at my reflection. The woman staring back at me was a ghost of who I'd been less than a week ago. My hair was dirty and tangled, I had a shadows under my eyes, and my skin was splotchy from my chronic tears.

It was going to take a miracle to make myself look presentable.

I was supposed to go Jennifer's for a holiday dinner since she was headed out of town to celebrate Christmas with one of her sons, but now that I was attending without Shawn by my side, the night would be painful. I stood frozen in my bathroom as my mind raced to come up with an excuse to cancel. If I sent my dad a selfie, he'd believe I was sick. I shuffled back to my bedroom to compose the text, but as I held my phone in my hand, I realized that I'd be lying to yet another person I love. Wasn't that why I was in such a devastated state? It was time to break that habit.

After a very long hot shower, I took extra time to do my make-up so that the evidence of my sadness was covered. Then I blew out my hair and used my wand to create soft curls. The end result wasn't bad at all, and I began to feel a bit better.

I picked out a pretty white sweater dress beaded with faux silver pearls. It belonged to my mom and I loved the vintage style. As I searched for shoes, I started to worry that wearing my mom's clothing to my dad's girlfriend's house was not a great idea. Obviously Jennifer wouldn't know, but it might be weird for my father to see a reminder of his beloved wife. I pulled off the dress and changed into a long red sweater and black leggings. It wasn't quite as stylish, but I put on some cute red and black plaid flats to make it more festive.