The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 33

After Shawn left, I emailed my dad and uncles to tell them I had a stomach bug and would be taking sick leave. Considering I'd puked twice, this wasn't a complete lie. Uncle Ollie called right away and after he stopped laughing, reminded me that I had the day off already for Thanksgiving. No one was even aware I'd worked that morning until I emailed a second time, and he thought it was a hysterical mistake on my part. It only made me feel worse that my preoccupation with Shawn had taken over my brain and made me look foolish.

My dad called a few minutes later to check up on me. "If you've got a stomach flu, I guess you won't be at Thanksgiving dinner tonight."

Half of my uncles and their families had plans with their in-laws, so Sal was hosting a relatively small dinner at his house. There was no way I could go given the state I was in, but I didn't want to lie to my dad.

"Just between you and me, I'm hungover, not sick," I confessed. "Shawn and I ended things, so I'm also a complete wreck and can not handle people fussing over me. You know how Aunt Ellie can be. Oh...and I'd appreciate it if you didn't share all this at the dinner table tonight."

"Oh, honey...I'm really sorry. I know you liked him a lot."

That was an understatement, but I wasn't going to tell him I was in love with someone who didn't love me back. "I'll be okay, but I need today to cry."

"Want me to drop off food on my way home?"

"No, thanks. A plate of rich holiday food doesn't sound good to me."

He chuckled. "What on earth were you drinking?"

"Tequila. It was cheap stuff, too."

"I've made that mistake a time or two myself."

Before hanging up, he suggested we go apple picking the following weekend. He needed fresh fruit for a bunch of seasonal pies and cakes, but more importantly, it was something we used to do when I was a child and he was a man of tradition. My mom loved outdoor excursions, so every fall we'd get in the car and drive to an orchard northwest of Brampton. After filling several bushels with apples, we'd go into the small country store for cider and warm cinnamon doughnuts. I knew going back would be comforting, so I told him yes.

I brushed my teeth and took a long hot shower, letting the water wash away the tears that poured down my face. I put on some flannel pajamas before following one of the oldest hangover cures in the book, which was to gag down a glass of water with Alka-Seltzer tablets. It was disgusting, but it helped in the past. Then I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Hours later, I texted Briya and Fallon about what happened. The girls wanted to come by to comfort me with a Friendsgiving pizza, but I told them emphatically that I needed some time alone to cope with the fact that I'd ruined what I had with Shawn.

I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, said a prayer that it would stay down, and returned to bed so that I could write in my journal. At first I was going to compose a list of all the things I'd done wrong with Shawn, but then I opted to write him a letter instead. The letter was for me, not him, but it helped a tiny bit to let out the things I wished I could say to him if I had the chance.

Dear Shawn,

There are some things left unsaid that I need to get out. As always, I'm turning to my journal as an outlet with hopes that putting this down somewhere eases the pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm to blame for our problems and I wish you knew that I recognize that. I went into whatever it was that we had under the assumption that you still loved Camila and wanted her back. There were some signs on the cruise the night we met, and then later at your birthday party I overheard a conversation between you and your mom. You were upset that Camila didn't come, and that made me feel like I was just a rebound. That's also why I thought you were only in it for sex, since your heart still belonged to her.

Then I saw the pics at the VMA after-party and it made me even more sure that you were in love with her. I didn't bring this up at the time because we weren't exclusive and I had no right to question you. I know now that I was jumping to conclusions, but in that moment, I felt like I was second to her and always would be. You made it clear you didn't want a real relationship with me which confirmed those feelings.

You're probably wondering why I stuck around if I believed I was your rebound chick. I fell hard for you, not because you're Shawn Mendes but because when we were together I got to know you and discovered that there's so much more to you than being a world famous pop star. You are an amazing person and even if I knew we weren't going anywhere, I wanted to be with you for as long as possible.

I'm very sorry about my reaction to everything in Miami. I let my fears outweigh my faith in you, and you're right that it was a trust issue. You obviously didn't fully trust me, either, or you would have been up front about why you didn't want me at that show. Even if it would have hurt my feelings, at least I'd have been prepared. You didn't call or text, which compounded my sensitivity about the photos. You never talked about Camila, so all the time we were together, it was like she was a secret. I respect that you didn't want to share the details of your break-up, but I should have asked some questions early on, instead of letting my fears fester.

I wish you nothing but the best. Even if you didn't go into our thing with the idea that I was a rebound, I'm glad I could help get you over the hump of seeing someone after losing Camila. I regret that I wasn't better at being the one after her, but I was new to love and was learning as I went. When you're finally ready to open yourself up to love again, I hope you find someone who handles things more maturely than I did. You deserve to love and be loved without it being too much work.

(And you should probably be with a gluten-free vegan since our food incompatibility would have become more of an issue over time. I'm only slightly joking about that).

Love,
Lucy

Signing it was silly since it was only for me, but it gave the letter closure.

The rest of the night was spent cycling between sad tears and angry self-loathing. I knew it was for the best that things ended now, but that didn't make the pain any less bearable.

Shawn was probably on his way back to Florida for the Tampa show and I wondered what his current frame of mind was. He probably wasn't distraught like I was, but I knew he cared about me and that he might be sad that the good times we had together were over. Although given how I'd behaved, he could be counting his lucky stars that he was rid of me.

Maybe he'd even call Camila and tell her what happened. She'd rush over to his hotel to comfort him, and they'd realize that ending things was a mistake. They'd kiss and vow to never break up again before making love for hours.

"Every Shawmila shipper would have me to thank if that happened," I said to Inky who just stared at me blankly.

It was too early to sleep, so I picked a gruesome horror movie on one of the streaming services I subscribed to and turned off all the lights in my bedroom. They say that being scared can cure the hiccups, and I hoped it would jolt me out of my depressed mood. This was wishful thinking. Every time someone was killed by the sociopathic villain, I burst into tears over the loss.

When the movie ended, I got up, went to the kitchen, and reheated some leftover pasta which I ate standing up by the sink. Typically, this was my favorite comfort food, but it didn't do the job this time. I needed to accept that nothing was going to make me feel better or mend my broken heart. Love sucked and if I was lucky, I'd never fall prey to its sharp talons again.