The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 119

"The good news is that you haven't lost any more weight," Dr. Nguyen said after my second weigh-in. "But the bad news is that you still aren't gaining. How are you feeling?"

"I feel pretty good, but I still don't have a huge appetite. I eat what I can but if I try to force more, I feel sick."

"I think we'll give this another two weeks, but if nothing changes, you'll need to see a gastroenterologist. I have to rule out that there's not something going on with your digestive system."

"Like what?" I asked.

"If I had that answer, I'd give it, but unfortunately I don't. If you do a search, you'll find the scary worst case scenarios, but considering all your blood work was normal, I'm sure none of them apply. My advice is to not do any research at home and keep with the plan. I'd like you to add a weight-gain drink to your daily intake. Any protein shake will do, but there are also ones made for this purpose. I'll write a few brands down, and remember that this won't be in lieu of a meal but rather a supplement."

After my appointment, I picked up some 'shakes' at the grocery store and brought them home. I drank one right away to see how it was and concluded it would probably be better cold. I definitely wasn't going to enjoy this addition to my treatment plan.

In general, I was improving mentally, but I knew why that was. Shawn and I were speaking or texting regularly and having him back in my life was uplifting. My therapist and I tackled this topic during my last session after I expressed concern over becoming dependent on him for happiness. She said that as long as I felt in control of the relationship, it was normal and healthy, but if at any point it began bringing me down, I needed to reevaluate it.

I changed into my comfiest jammies and crawled into bed with my phone. Surely Dr. Nguyen didn't really think I wouldn't Google the possible causes of my loss of appetite. What I found was pretty disturbing. Some of the less drastic things were common viruses like a severe cold or flu, but obviously I hadn't suffered from something like that since December. Other things that popped up were diabetes and hepatitis, but she said my blood work was normal so I doubted it was either of those things. Then came the bad stuff. There were multiple forms of cancer that could cause a person to lose interest in food, and the fact that my mother died at a young age from brain cancer put me in a higher risk category for many types of the disease.

I shuddered as I considered this possibility. I was only twenty-four years old and still had so much life ahead of me. More than that, it made me sick to think about what me having cancer would do to my dad. He'd already lost the love of his life and shouldn't have to suffer through losing his only child

"You're being overly dramatic," I said out loud. "Everything points to this being related to depression. Stop being so pessimistic!"

My phone buzzed and I saw it was Shawn. He'd sent a beautiful picture taken from the house he was renting in Hollywood Hills. I sighed as I admired the vista, and even though we were keeping things platonic, I yearned to get on a flight and join him. If I was dying, I wanted to enjoy every remaining minute I had on earth.

An incoming call shook me from my dark thoughts. "Hi," I said to Shawn after I accepted it.

"Hey. Did you get my pic? It's gorgeous here."

"I did. Thanks for sending it."

He hesitated a second before saying anything else. "Are you okay? You sound uncharacteristically flat."

"I'm fine."

"You definitely are not. What's going on? Have I been texting too much? I can stop if it's bugging you," he said fretfully.