The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 55

I was feeling particularly lonely as I sat in my apartment on a cold January evening. Briya and Fallon had both been picking up extra shifts at the restaurant because they wanted the three of us to go to the beach over the summer, which meant I hadn't seen them over the weekend. I spent Friday night with my dad, and on Saturday I'd gone to visit my maternal grandmother.

I thought about watching a movie, but as I scrolled through the choices, every romantic comedy reminded me of Shawn. Since he was on my mind, I opened my phone and reread his New Year's text. He never responded to mine, which solved the mystery of whether he missed me or if he was just being nice. Next I played the handful of his voicemails that I had saved, starting at the top, which were the most recent.

"Hey Lulu...it's me. I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. Talk to you tomorrow morning."

He'd left that on the night I played Mario Party with the girls. The period from when he'd appeared unexpectedly at the bakery until we broke up was the best time of my life, even if it had only been eleven days.

I played the next message which was from early October.

"Holy shit, Lucy...the Austin show was amazing! I love this city so much. You're probably asleep with the tiny panther. Miss you."

Hearing his enthusiasm for his concert made me smile, despite my sad mood.

"I know you're on the plane right now, but I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you're coming to Vegas. See you soon!"

What a wonderful trip that had been. Maybe I needed to stop being sad that we were over and shift my outlook to being thankful that I had any time with him at all.

I sat up in my bed in my standard meditative pose and did several minutes of focused breathing as I slowly chanted, "It was worth it and I refuse to have regrets." After a bit my mind started wandering to what Shawn looked like when meditating, which I'd witnessed a few times. Unlike me, his posture was pristine and he maintained perfect focus. He looked so beautiful, too. Sexy, actually. There were few activities where he didn't look that way, though.

Closing my eyes I pictured how he looked during sex. My god, it had been a sight to behold. Every vein in his arms and neck popped out, and his cheeks flushed pink from exertion. His collarbones protruded to the point that a deep triangular valley formed above them. Beads of perspiration often formed on his forehead, and when they dripped onto my bare breasts, I felt such a rush. Shawn was tall and slim, but he had perfectly defined muscles that rippled with each move he made. My favorites were the thick deltoids on his broad shoulders, which I'd frequently held on to for stability when he was being deliciously powerful with his thrusts. His beautiful amber brown eyes darkened to the color of milk chocolate, and when they weren't closed, they were locked on mine, penetrating my soul. During our most intimate and connected moments, I was convinced he might love me a tiny bit.

I let out a sigh and flopped over onto my side since meditating obviously wasn't working. I considered going to the kitchen for a pint of ice cream, but I'd made a vow to stop being such a broken-hearted cliché.

Reaching for my phone again, I called my dad to chat and was surprised when it went to voicemail. A minute later he texted me that he was out and would call me in the morning. 'Out' was so vague, so I pulled up the app he and I used to track each other in the event of an emergency. Obviously this wasn't one, but my curiosity was piqued. He was at a small French restaurant in the fancy part of the city. I couldn't picture him going there with his brothers or his buddies. Was my dad out with a woman? I knew he did this occasionally, but an expensive restaurant like this one implied that it wasn't a first date. If my hunch was correct, I felt nothing but happiness for him since he'd been alone for so long. I also felt a twinge of envy since everyone in my life seemed to be finding love except me.

I grabbed my journal and started a list of what was wrong with me, hoping to uncover some fixable issues that I could work on to become more worthy of love.

1. I overthink to the point that I border on being crazy
2. I don't shave my legs except when I know I'm getting naked
3. Unless I'm going out, I dress like a college kid who rolled out of bed for an 8:00 AM class
4. I might have coffee breath without knowing it
5. I have big feet
6. I write in my journal too much
7. I eat a lot of fattening foods
8. The poop thing
9. I'm very selective about who I spend time with
10. I don't have a mom and am therefore missing the best role model for being an adult woman

I read through the list and then started a new one on the next page with how I could work on each item.

1. Therapy? I haven't been in years but maybe it is time to go back
2. This is easy- use that razor!
3. Also easy- wear cute clothes to places like the store since maybe I'll find love in the produce section
4. Brush teeth and chew gum after coffee!
5. Can't fix this one
6. Hmmmm- not sure if I can quit journaling
7. I'll start with baby steps- healthy food 2-3 days a week
8. Maybe a therapist can help?
9. Do I even want to change this?
10. Unless my dad falls in love with an amazing woman, I'm out of luck

My stomach growled so I climbed out of the comforting confines of my bed and trudged to the kitchen. Dinner was not going to be on the healthier side tonight because the only greens I had was half a bunch of cilantro that appeared a little slimy. I tossed it and looked in my freezer where I found some frozen leftover lasagna from Christmas. While it defrosted in the microwave, I opened up Instagram and was surprised to see that Shawn had posted earlier. Normally I got a notification, but maybe I missed it. He'd shared a video of himself playing guitar on a beautiful patio. He was probably still in California, since a palm tree could be seen in the distance, though it was possible he'd jetted off to Hawaii or some other tropical paradise.

The caption was brief. 'Wish you were here ❤️'

"I wish I was there, too," I grumbled, even though he obviously hadn't directed that statement to me.

I couldn't help but wonder if instead of ending things I'd accepted that he was giving me all he had to offer and settled for love not being a part of that package. Would I be there beside him? I wouldn't be in the photo, of course, but that wouldn't have mattered. Actually...it did matter when we were together. It hurt that he didn't want anyone outside of a small circle to know we were involved. It made me feel like he was ashamed of me.

The microwave dinged and I took my food to the table. As I ate, I scrolled through the posts my family and friends had shared. Briya posted an adorable pic of her and Fallon which I liked. My cousin Bethany shared yet another photo of her new engagement ring. Uncle Ollie posted the featured pizza of the week. Once I made it through my feed, I went back to Shawn's post for a second look and saw he edited it. All of the caption was gone except for the heart.