The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 123

To say Shawn's words shook me was an understatement. We'd talked about living together in non-committal or abstract terms, but the idea of our long-range future had never been broached.

"I didn't know you were thinking that way," I said softly.

"Maybe I'm a romantic fool, but when I fall in love with someone, I start imagining what my life with them might be like. I may not have bought the ring, but I wondered when the right time for that would be. I got burned badly the first time I was at that point, so it's possible I would have waited awhile, just to be sure. Didn't you ever think about where we'd be in five or ten years?"

"I never really allowed myself to have that fantasy, since it seemed too good to be true." A lump formed in my throat, and I fought the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. Standing up, I gulped before saying, "I need to go, because this hurts too much."

He stood and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Please don't. We can talk about something else, but just stay. It feels so good to be with you again. I've missed you."

I was rapidly losing control of the situation, and all the feelings that I'd been trying to suppress for months were bubbling up to the surface. Why couldn't we have coffee like normal people and talk about mundane things? Why did it always come back to us? I started to feel dizzy so I sat down and put my head between my legs.

"Are you okay?" Shawn's voice sounded like it was in a tunnel, probably because my ears were ringing.

"I-I think I'm having a panic attack or something."

He knelt in front of me. "I can help you, honey. Just listen to me and do as I say, okay?"

I nodded.

"Close your eyes. We're going to take a deep breath in through our noses, counting to five, and then we are going to exhale slowly out of our mouths, counting again. I'll guide you on the first one...breathe in: one, two, three, four, five. Now exhale: one, two, three, four, five. Let's do it together four more times."

By the time we were done, I felt less panicked. "Thank you. You've clearly been through this before."

"Many times, and I've found that focused breathing helps. The three-three-three method can work, too."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Let me show you. Start by naming three things in the space you're in."

This was easy enough. "Chair, firepit, Shawn."

"Next you're going to name three sounds you hear."

"Your voice," I had to stop and listen for a moment. "Traffic, an airplane."

"The final thing is to move three body parts."

"Any body parts?"

"Mmhm. Don't overthink it."

I took a breath and lifted my arm and slowly moved it in the air. Then I lifted my foot off the ground and rotated my ankle. For my third part, I closed my eyes and moved my head in a circular motion.

"How was that?" Shawn queried.

"I thought it was going to be silly, but I feel calmer."

"That technique can bring you back to the present, though obviously these things don't always work. Nothing is foolproof when it comes to anxiety."

"If you ever get sick of being a musician, you'd make an amazing life coach," I told him. "Thank you so much for guiding me through this."

"I'm no expert; I just know what works for me." He got up from his kneeling position and sat next to me. "I am so sorry I upset you."