The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 51

It was a little over a week since the breakup and I was not doing well. It didn't help that the girls couldn't console me in person until I was no longer contagious, so all we could do was talk on the phone and FaceTime. They'd been wonderful about reaching out to me multiple times each day, and they arranged for indulgent treats to be delivered to my apartment. I ate an entire container of Tim Horton's Birthday Cake Timbits ice cream in one sitting, which only temporarily dulled my pain.

Several days had passed since I'd last showered, which I knew was a sign of depression, so when I was done working, I took one. I stood under the hot water until it ran cold and then wrapped my body in a fluffy pink towel. After I'd blown my hair dry, I put on some clean pajamas and crawled into bed, where I'd been living and working ever since Shawn left. Inky hopped on the mattress and snuggled against me, and I began crying because I was so thankful I had her love.

My phone buzzed and I grabbed it off the bedside table where I'd set it before my shower. Briya texted to check in on me, but there was also a notification for a call from the last person I thought I'd hear from. He hadn't left a voicemail, so I concluded that he'd accidentally butt-dialed me. If this was the case and I called him back, it would be awkward, so I chose to ignore it, but that didn't mean I stopped thinking about it.

I picked up the novel I started a few days earlier and read for an hour, and then I dragged myself out of bed in search of nourishment. My fridge had been restocked by my dad a few days ago, so I made a quick dinner of pepperoni rolls and a salad. Once I'd eaten and done the dishes, I got back in bed and turned on my TV to The Food Network and watched Guy Fieri's latest show. I was three episodes in when my phone began buzzing. Much to my surprise, it was Shawn again, which caused a surge of panic in my body. I stared at the phone and then accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Lucy. I know you said you needed time before we could talk, but I've been worried about you and your family. How are you feeling? Did anyone else get COVID and are they okay? I've been especially nervous about your grandmother."

His concern was very sweet. "I'm fine. About half of my fam got it, but thankfully my grandma wasn't among them. Some had it worse than others, but everyone is recovering nicely now."

"I'm so relieved to hear that. I got really sick and ended up getting treated with an anti-viral drug."

I gasped. "Oh my god. Really?"

"Yeah, my fever kept climbing so my parents got concerned and came to my condo to take care of me. I was coughing a lot, so they took me to the hospital. It's not like I was ever in real danger, but we didn't know if it would get worse. I'm going to release a statement today, which is another reason I called. I thought you might be upset if you read about it instead of hearing the news from me."

"You're okay now?" I asked.

"I'm not a hundred percent but I'm much better."

I started to weep. "I shouldn't have let you leave when you were so sick."

"It's not like driving to my condo made me worse. I got there and got into bed and then slept for twelve hours. If I'd stayed at your place after we...you know...I wouldn't have been able to rest and I probably would have been even sicker."

"I'm so sorry I gave you COVID." I reached for the box of tissues I kept handy since I cried a lot these days and dabbed at my leaky eyes.

"I'm not mad at you, but it is funny that I managed to avoid it on tour only to get it when I was living a pretty isolated life at home. I guess my time was up," he replied wryly.

I heard the sound of cars honking through the phone. "Are you driving?"

"I'm riding in a car. My movie premiere is tomorrow night and I am on my way to the hotel. I'm meeting my personal doctor there and she's giving me something to boost my immune system and then I'm going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be nuts."

I considered telling him that I'd already purchased a ticket to see his movie but that might come across as pathetic. "I'm so excited for you. Have you seen the film?"

"Only clips. It's crazy seeing this big crocodile talking with my voice."

"I'm surprised your first voice role wasn't for a lion," I joked.

"That would be more fitting, eh? I think I'd do really well at that. Are they making any more Lion King movies? I'd make a great Simba."

"You're such a Leo."

"And you're such a Scorpio."

No one had ever said this to me before so I was taken aback. "Am I?"

"Fuck yes. You're fiercely loyal to the people you love, you can be bold, but also secretive. You let your imagination run wild, and you're, um, very passionate."

I couldn't argue with any of that. "I had no idea you were into astrology."

He laughed. "I dabble in all sorts of stuff like that because I think it's fascinating."

Neither of us said anything for a moment and I knew the call was about to come to a close, which hurt me to the core. It was wonderful talking to him again, but I understood that I'd never get over losing him if we continued this sort of contact.

"Shawn," I said softly. "I really appreciate you calling to make sure my family and I are okay."

"But?" he said with sadness in his voice, clearly knowing what was coming.

"But I can't do this again. Some people are able to stay friends, but I'm not one of them. When I said I need a clean break, I meant it. I'm an all or nothing sort of person, which is probably another Scorpio thing. It's not good for my mental health to have contact with you."

He was silent for a second. "Truthfully, it's probably not good for mine, either, but it's been nice hearing your voice again."

The tears returned and I knew I needed to end the call before I became a blubbering mess. "Have fun at the movie premiere."

"Lucy...can I ask you one thing?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Do you have regrets? Are you sorry you got involved with me?"

This wasn't an easy thing to answer when I was at my lowest in terms of heartache. "I'm hurting right now, but I think with time I'll look back and be happy about what we had."

"You don't hate me?"

I choked back a sob. "I could never hate you, Shawn. You're a wonderful person, and it's not your fault I'm not the woman for you." I wished I could hate him, because I'd prefer screaming Alanis Morissette or Kelly Clarkson songs at the top of my lungs to crying into my pillow.

"You-" he started to say, but then he stopped. "We just pulled up at Soho House, so I need to go. Thanks for taking my call."

"Goodbye," I said softly.

"Bye, Lulu."