The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 44

I sat in the laundromat while my two loads swirled around in the large industrial washers. It was crowded since it was a Sunday, but I managed to find a spot away from everyone else. At least people were being good about wearing their masks, which had been an issue lately despite the latest COVID variant.

The book I was planning to read was on my lap, yet I was focused on my phone since my conversation with Shawn sent me into a spiral of investigation. I wanted to see how he handled his last relationship on social media since he was so resistant to including me in this forum. He'd said something else at his condo that upset me more, but I could only process one issue at a time.

I started by looking at all his posts with Camila, which were still on his Instagram. I didn't follow him before we'd met, so it was possible he purged some, but even the infamous video where they kissed sloppily as a joke was there. This led me to believe he'd kept them all. Was it a sign of maturity that he recognized she was an important part of his life and wanted to keep the photos as a documentation of that time? Or was it that he was still hanging on to what they had? If that was the case, was it because he wanted her back? He said they were over, but what else could he say to the girl he was currently seeing? 'I like you, Lulu, and the sex is great, but my heart will always belong to Camila. Sorry, baby.' Obviously he'd never hurt me that way, but that didn't mean it wasn't in his thoughts.

I looked at one particular photo of the happy couple taken during their quarantine period in Miami. She was kissing his cheek and he looked so peaceful. I scrolled further and saw that he'd waited awhile to post anything of the two of them after they became a couple, which made me feel slightly better about his resistance to us being in a social media pic together. But then the quantity of photos during the Señorita promotion period made me feel low all over again. The sexual chemistry between them was so palpable that I could almost hear their hearts beating wildly for each other through the screen.

I kept going and shifted my focus to the Calvin Klein underwear photos as a palate cleanser. "Look at that body," I thought to myself. "You're the one that gets to wrap your legs around it as he..." I stopped because focusing on the sex didn't help. It wasn't the problem; we were completely happy and compatible in that regard. The deeper aspects of our relationship worried me, though there were times when I felt pretty secure...like yesterday when he went all out for my birthday. That obviously meant something.

I put my phone in my backpack along with the crappy romance novel I clearly wasn't going to open and took out my journal, which I'd brought because I knew I needed to get some thoughts on paper. I decided to delve into the bombshell he'd dropped during our talk.

Was Shawn trying to tell me that he wants us to call off our exclusivity when he goes away on tour? It felt like it. If that's true, how will I react? I don't want a part-time boyfriend who is free to see other people when he's out of town. Talk about him having his gluten-free vegan cake and eating it, too.

(Note to self: I certainly don't want a piece of that nasty cake, but that's a whole other issue)

He made it very clear that he's not focused on a future with me. It isn't like I am looking at wedding dresses online, but I like to think that we have potential for a long-term relationship. I guess that is wishful thinking and I need to stop. Maybe the best thing for me would be to adopt his same attitude. Focus on the day to day and enjoy it since it's not going to last.

But there is one hitch to that plan. The longer I am with him, the deeper I'll fall in love. That means I will have a whole heap of heartache in my future.

(Note to self number two: "Whole heap of heartache" would make a great country song lyric or title. If Shawn ever switches genres, I'll share it with him)

Maybe I should just end things before I'm in too deep. A preemptive strike.

I put my journal away after someone sat down near me and could potentially see it. The wash cycles ended, so I moved my laundry to two free dryers and started them up. My clothes would be done in forty-five minutes and I could go home to my kitty who definitely loved me as much as I loved her. Maybe I'd swear off men and just have cats because I'd probably be a lot happier that way. I might be sexually frustrated and lonely for conversation, but my furry companions would never suggest a day to day relationship or hint that they wanted to see other people. I decided to Google how many cats would be too many, since there was probably a fine line between cat lover and crazy cat lady.

Once I retrieved my phone from my bag, I saw that Shawn texted me. I suspected this would happen because typically when we had a problem, he checked in soon after. The only time he hadn't done this was when we temporarily ended things, but that was different. In general, he was a really good peacemaker, which was a great quality.

You seemed off when you left

We okay?

I sighed so loudly that two people looked over at me. I could reply that everything was good and I was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow or I could be honest. I tended to fib when confronted with tough questions, which I knew was wrong. My warped rationale was that it was better than risking a potential fight, but at the same time, I knew it was only delaying the inevitable.

I didn't know how to respond, so I put my phone away, telling myself I'd deal with it later.

When I got home, I was exhausted. It had been a week since I'd had a really good sleep because Shawn stayed over all but one night, and not getting my much-needed eight hours was catching up to me. Even Briya called me out for the shadows under my eyes, which she wouldn't have done unless they were bad.

I put my laundry away and ate some leftover birthday party pasta straight from Aunt Ellie's vintage Tupperware. Then I stripped down to one of Shawn's t-shirts that he'd left on my floor and crawled into bed, opting for the side he slept on so that I could enjoy his scent on the pillow. I wanted to nap for an hour, but once I was under the covers, I was too lazy to get up to retrieve my phone from my backpack and set an alarm.

When I woke up, I was disoriented and confused by how dark it was in my room. I'd gone to bed around three in the afternoon, and the sun set around five this time of year, so I'd napped for probably two hours. Fuck. I was going to struggle with falling asleep later.

I got out of bed and located my backpack in the living room, and when I took out my phone, I couldn't believe what I saw. It was after midnight, which meant I'd slept for nine hours, not two! My poor tired body thought it was going to bed for the night, and now I'd messed up my sleep schedule.

I had a whole slew of messages and missed calls, so I plopped down on the couch to look at them.

My dad texted that all three uncles called to let him know how good it was to see me so happy. I had a bunch of messages from the girls in our group chat, but they stopped after Briya said I was probably spending the day in bed with my boyfriend and that they should leave me alone. The three phone calls were from Shawn, though he hadn't left any voicemails. He had, however, left multiple texts during my long nap.

How'd laundry go?

Are you home yet?

Can you give me a call?

Lucy come on

I hate getting the silent treatment

Can I come by?

Please? We need to talk