Username: softyhartz
Genre: Teen Fiction/ Romance
Chapters: 5 chapters
Specific: Grammar, flow and plot
Book
Cover -
The cover is okay. Nothing major to comment on.
Blurb -
The only thing that I thought needed changing is this sentence.
Your example...
"...a boy on a wheelchair..."
A suggestion could be...
"...a boy in a wheelchair..."
Other than that, the blurb is great!
Grammar -
Your grammar isn't bad. I only found a few minor issues, which I will discuss.
(Chapter One)
Your example...
"Subconsciously, she hears the sounds of wheels on the floor and stopping near her."
This sentence is worded a little awkwardly. I would perhaps rephrase it.
A suggestion could be...
"Subconsciously, she hears the sounds of wheels on the floor, stopping next to her."
You can remove the comma after 'floor,' depending on the pause and emphasis you want. The pace and meaning of the sentence will change if you remove the comma.
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"You would've talked to me the moment I came back to school on a wheelchair,"
We don't really say 'on a wheelchair,' but 'in a wheelchair.'
A suggestion here would be...
"You would've talked to me the moment I came back to school in a wheelchair,"
Note - (I left some inline comments in some of the chapters regarding grammar)
Punctuation -
(Chapter Two)
Your example...
"Hey Ava, Elliot."
It's all about the poisoning of the comma that can change the whole tone and pace of the sentence. When I read it the first time, I thought she was introducing herself and Elliot interrupted and said his name. Looking back, you can make this clearer.
A suggestion could be...
"Hey, Ava. Elliot." (he goes on to nod or extend his hand etc)
YOU ARE READING
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