note: noooo dont relapse after years of being clean ur so sexy aha...
this was purely a self comfort fic, so sorry if its ass.
warnings: self harm, talk of cleaning wounds, not proofread. don't read if it'll trigger you, please.
on a lighter note, you guys should check out my wlw natasha playlist and my slow natasha playlist on spotify !! my user is sxdez :>. (i have a cartoon vampire as my icon if it helps)
i'd link but i cant remember if links work here or not.
. . .
the thought wouldn't leave your mind. over and over again it looped like a broken record. you didn't want to act on it, not after having quit for so long.
but it just wouldn't go away.
you tried to shower, tried to read, tried to write out your feelings, even tried to watch a movie. nothing worked. so eventually you gave up on trying to distract yourself and just followed through with it.
now you were dealing with the aftermath. your arm stung and having to readjust the band aids a few times, the adhesion pulling on your wounds, wasn't helping.
you just hoped you cut high enough on your arm where natasha wouldn't be able to notice. you could still wear short sleeves as long as your shoulders didn't show. easy enough, right? at least that's what you told yourself.
deciding not to be stupid about your choice of clothing, you chose to sleep in a black t-shirt a few sizes too big. that way the ends of the sleeves would go down to your elbow and any blood that leaked would disappear into the fabric. natasha wouldn't notice a thing.
later that night natasha's arms wrapped around your body as she pulled you into her embrace. not once did she think anything was wrong.
why would she? you'd been clean all these years it was almost like you were over it.
the next morning you pushed yourself away from your lover, opting to shower before she woke up. if you were quick with it, natasha wouldn't be able to join you.
you carried on with your day, doing the absolute best not to wince every time someone patted your arm.
nothing seemed out of the ordinary to natasha. that was until she noticed bloody band aids in the trash can of your shared bathroom.
"did you get hurt?" she questioned you, seemingly out of nowhere.
"no, why?" you furrowed your eyebrows together, feigning confusion.
"i found bloody band aids in our bathroom. care to explain why?" natasha was offering you a doorway into explaining what you're sure she already knew, but you weren't so easy to crack.
how could you have been so stupid?
"nope. no idea. c'mon, lets go get dinner with the rest of the team." you attempted to pull her into the main room, but the redhead didn't budge. "naaaaat."
"why were there band aids soaked with blood in our trash can in you're not injured?"
now you were starting to get frustrated. why wouldn't she just drop it?
"i don't know, maybe wanda came in here and used our bathroom. it's not a big deal, natasha." you huffed out, annoyance clearly laced within your words.
"can you be honest with me?"
"i am being honest." you scoffed. she licked her lips, pausing to consider the fact that maybe you were being honest, but she knew better.
"where did you do it?"
"just let it go, natasha."
"there's no 'letting it go' here. you've hurt yourself and i need to know where." she replied firmly, eyes inspecting your body.
you were wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. your forearms were clear of anything, causing her to wrongly assume you'd cut your legs.
"was it your thighs? or your stomach?"
"neither. they're both clean, i'll even change into shorts if you want me to." you mumbled, raising your shirt to show her your untouched skin.
"so where did you do it?"
you sighed. nothing inside you wanted to show her the damage you'd done the day before.
"i don't know why you wont believe me."
"because i know you, and i know when you're lying to me. so i'm going to ask you again, where did you do it?" her voice was soft. she didn't bother hiding the desperation behind her words.
you didn't bother speaking, simply lifting your sleeves to uncover the top of your biceps.
"they're not too bad. not as bad as i was wanting them to be. and they probably won't scar as much as my other ones."
natasha frowned at the sight of your half closed-half open wounds. they weren't cleaned up at all, she could tell by the dry blood that stuck to your skin.
she didn't say anything either, only moving away so she could get a damp rag to clean the surface.
"i'm sorry," you whispered. "i should've come to you. i don't even know why i did this. it just sort of happened. and i just feel so pathetic because it's the first time in years and now all my work is for nothing..."
"that's where you're wrong, sweetheart. it's not for nothing. so you had a slip up, maybe you'll have another one or few more, but every day is still progress. each day you're alive is worth more than any set back you run into. i promise you this." she finished, wiping off any remnants of blood left on your arm.
"i'm going to rub some antiseptic on these and put some new bandages on, okay?" you nodded, feeling more at ease with the situation.
"i'm sorry, natasha."
"no apologies, darling. next time try and come to me before acting on any urges like these. we don't have to talk about it, but i'd rather be sure you're safe than a danger to yourself."
"i'll try."
natasha gave you a smile, "let's watch something, yeah? take our mind off of everything for now."
you spent the rest of the night under natasha's eye, but it didn't bother you too much. as long as you weren't alone you'd be alright.
