note: not here to romanticize, you all know that. i used my own experiences in this fic :P
prompt: not sure how i'd summarize this, huge vent fic from 2019
this has been rewritten since then as of 2021
warnings: deals with the topic of eds + anorexic (underweight) reader + vent fic vent fic vent fic
word count: 3.1k
prns: she/her i believe
. . .
words are used everyday, everywhere - whether to describe something or someone. there's thousands upon thousands of them.
so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying.
your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable.
saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully.
you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips.
over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone's eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.
as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.
(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.)
everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much.
things were going well for you, really, they were.
until they weren't.
and you didn't know why.
it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome.
the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds.
it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one.
