prompt: it's hard to move on, but it is possible.
warnings: angsty + i don't think this was proofread + written after endgame </3
prns: not specified
word count: 1k
. . .
"I think I knew for awhile. I just didn't want to accept it. That's what you do, you know? When you love someone so much you don't want to let them go. That's what you do. So I guess I'm mourning, except I've realized I'd been in mourning for what feels like years now. It's not easy living like that, but I think it's better this way. I just hope she's not in any pain now."
You sucked in a breath of air as you finished your small speech. It was still difficult to talk about, but you were definitely further along than before.
Support meetings were the only thing you had now. After Natasha died there wasn't much left for you, although her friend Steve checked in on you periodically. Something she probably told him to do or else she'd have him by the throat. But you were really okay for the time being.
Natasha was in and out of the hospital for various purposes. She hated every second of it. But as long as you were with her the process was just a little bit easier.
Over time her issues got worse and she became bedridden. The hospital advised her to stay there, that it would be better for her, but she wouldn't listen. Even as sick as she was, she still had that stubbornness that you loved so dearly.
You weren't surprised when that day finally came, not a bit (but that didn't mean it didn't hurt). The night before she'd coughed up a little more blood than usual, but she brushed it off. Of course you were worried, you begged her to go to the hospital. She had none of that though, and instead told you to get her some water.
When you came back her eyes were closed and you panicked slightly before you counted her breaths. Good. She was okay.
A sigh slipped through your lips and you reached out to put a blanket on her. You brushed the hair out of her face and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Good night Natasha."
You turned out the light and sat in a chair next to the window. The moonlight was bright enough for you to read, so you pulled out your current book and flipped the pages. A few hours later and you ended up falling asleep, the book falling on your chest.
When you woke up you went to go check on your wife.
"Natasha? It's 10 in the morning and you made me promise to never let you sleep past 9 so wake up." You smiled at the sight of her. She was beautiful in the morning light.
"I'll make your favorite?" You offered.
A few seconds passed by and she still didn't wake up. That's when you started to realize something was wrong.
"Nat? Come on, wake up. I'm serious this time." You shook her body in distress, but Natasha made no movement. Your heart sank as you realized that this was the time both of you had been waiting for. A few tears rolled down your face as you made the final call.
Waiting for the ambulance to arrive, you held her hand, making sure to rub your thumb across her palm because you knew she secretly loved it when you did that.
"You're okay now. You're fine, you're at peace now. Nothing can hurt you anymore." You whispered to her, not completely ready to let her go, but still knowing you had to.
You watched as the paramedics took her body away on a gurney. The flashing lights blinded your vision as you picked up the keys to your car.
Moments later you were at the hospital. Now it was time to tell Natasha's old friends, something you weren't sure you could do on your own. You were so used to having Natasha as a support system that you didn't know how to function without anyone else. Nonetheless, you pulled out your phone and dialed Steve first. He'd tell the rest of them so you didn't have to.
-
That was eight months ago. Since then you hadn't been the same. You visited her grave on a weekly basis and always placed a flower on it. Natasha wasn't much for flowers, but if she knew it helped you then she would never have a problem with it.
You zoned out the rest of the group, not really caring about anyone else today. That was how grief worked - ups and downs, they'd say. You missed her more today than you have in the past few weeks, but it wasn't as painful anymore.
When the meeting was over you went to her gravesite. Your yellow flower from last week still remained in the vase, nothing had touched it or blew it away. You were grateful. This time around you hadn't brought a flower with you; perhaps a sign of progress.
"Hey Nat. Back from another group session. It was kind of boring tonight, we didn't have anyone new - which I guess is a good thing since, well, you know. But I like hearing their stories...
I know you probably hate seeing me still here because I know you want me to move on already, and I am. I just missed you today."
You leaned back and took a deep breath in, letting your surroundings enfold you. There were so many other gravesites with no one else around, and you had to wonder where everyone was.
Did they forget? Do they not want to remember? You couldn't imagine wanting to erase someone from your memory. But then again Natasha was special. She didn't ever hurt you, she never caused you one bad memory with her. She was one of a kind.
⠀⠀⠀
You looked back down at your wife and spoke.
⠀⠀⠀
"I'm here. You're not. There will be times where that's unbearable for me. I'll have good days and bad days, just like everyone else, but in the end I am okay Natasha. I will be okay, I have to be. I'm at peace with that. And I hope you are too."
You walked away with a lighter feeling in your heart. You smiled to yourself knowing that she'd be proud.
I'm okay.
