Just Breathe [EDITING]

Chapter 38

MY MIND HAS BEEN A CONSTANT BATTLE OF 'What if?'.

Ever since hearing the conversation Jonah had on the phone, I couldn't stop myself from panicking and worrying every single day. It's been a week since the whole phone conversation and I feel like my heart is a scattered mess on the floor that no one can pick up.

What will my life be like without them? I think to myself as I sit in the car after getting off of work.

I could never for one second in my entire life think of a day without Caleb or Jonah. Those two are my safe haven; the rock that holds me up when I'm not strong. I don't think I could breathe without them or even live without them. It's kind of like pulling the plug on someone when it's their time to go. They are the plug that keeps my life going.

As I sit in my car and slowly kill myself of all these horrible thoughts and scenarios, I start my car and make my way back home. I pull out onto the highway and drive a long way down the roads, passing a couple of cars, and switching lanes a million and one times to take my time getting home. I don't think I can stand being home right now, even though I know Caleb is waiting for me. He loves when I come home and spend the rest of the night with him.

God, I'm going to miss that so much.

I finally make my way home and pull into the driveway, and into my parking space. I get out and lock the door, then make my way into the apartment building.

As usual, I hear the exciting scream of Caleb and instantly smile. This is why I love coming home after a long day of work.

"How was work, babe?" Jonah asks and, even though I should be smiling and be incredibly happy, I feel a little broken inside still.

"Good." I say, walking right past him.

I see him frown. "Bad day at work?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Just long and busy." I'm totally lying and he knows it. That's what I love the most about him. He can tell when I'm not being myself. He knows me better than I know myself.

"I'm sorry." He leans over and kisses me.

I kiss back, but not like I usually do. "It's okay."

Caleb waddles over to us and throws his arms up and says, "Up!"

I pick him up and give him a humongous hug, secretly, in a way, giving him the biggest hug of his life in case they really do leave. "I love you," I say and kiss his cheek.

"I wuv you, too, daddy." He smiles and kisses me back.

I give him another hug and then I carry him to the bathroom. "It's time to take a bath, baby."

As Caleb runs out of the room, I hear him yell, "No, Daddy!"

"Caleb, it's time for a bath." I walk out of the bathroom and go search for him. I look everywhere in the kitchen, then in the living room. "If you don't come out, I'll get the tickle monster on you."

I hear him giggle, then scream. "No! No! No!"

He runs out from behind the couch. He giggles and runs over to me. I pick him up and walk back to the bathroom. I start to take off his clothes and start his bath. As I wash his hair and body, he splashes the water all over the place and plays with his rubber duck. He's very cooperative when he wants to be, but has a blast in the tub all of the time. He sits still and does everything I tell him to do.

"Ready?" I ask, grabbing his towel and smiling.

"Yeah!" he says, smiling real big.

I start to drain the bathwater and then dry off his body, wrapping the towel around him. We make our way to his bedroom and I put a new diaper on him and then some pajamas.

"Good night." I say, turning off the light after settling him into bed.

"No, Daddy. Sweep with me." He pouts his lip and gives me his adorable puppy-dog eyes.

"Okay." I crawl in his bed and cuddle up beside him. He kisses my cheek and then cuddles close to me.

As minutes pass, I think of all of the bad things. This could be the last night I get to put him to bed and put him to sleep. This could be the last night that I get to see him excited to see me after work. The tears slowly start to fall down my cheeks and I can't help myself anymore. I let the tears flow and I lose it all. I'm losing everything and I feel like my world is crumbling.

"Daddy, why so sad?" Caleb says, wiping away my tears.

"It's nothing, baby. Just a bit sad."

He frowns and kisses my cheek. "Don't be sad, daddy, I wuv you."

I smile, despite feeling broken. "I love you too, buddy."

He tries, but fails, to wrap his cute little arms around me and cuddles me.

After a couple of shows coming and going, Caleb is finally sound asleep. I slowly get out of his bed and make my way out, going straight to the bedroom. Jonah is laying down in bed, watching t.v.

"Is he asleep?"

"Peaceful." I say, smiling, despite me being worried about everything.

I strip off my clothes and get into bed. I cuddle close to him and kiss his chest.

"I love you," I say.

"I love you, too." He says and smiles.

I lay my head upon his chest. I can feel his heartbeat, his chest rising up and down.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" It slips out of my mouth before I can catch myself.

"No, what is there that I should tell you?"

"Nothing." I say, cuddling closer to him.

"Are you OK?" He says and I can feel his heart start racing.

"Yes, I'm okay." I lie.

Just tell him, my mind says to me.

"You can tell me." He says to me, looking into my eyes.

"I know." I say, looking down.

A moment of silence passes between us, not a word being spoken.

"Tell me." He says.

I lay there, silent. "You're leaving me. . ." It slips out of my mouth.

"What?!" He says, obviously getting a bit mad. "Why in the world would you think I'm leaving you? That is crazy talk!"

I try, but fail, to hold back the tears. "I heard your phone conversation the other night."

"Oh." is all he says to me.

"See," I say, beginning to cry more.

"Babe, I'm not leaving." He says, and I can feel his chest rise and fall a bit faster. "Actually, that conversation was about proposing to you."

I look into his eyes, feeling my heart begin to piece back together. "What?"

"I want to marry you, Alex. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

A smile cracks across my face and I lean up and kiss him. "Yes, I'll marry you!"

"Really?"

"Yes," My smile grows bigger.

Finally, after what seemed like the worst time of my life, it gets better. I was only worrying and over-thinking.