ORDER (sequel to Trouble) [TWD]

forgive and forget

"Are you praying?" Hershel inquires, sliding into the seat next to Nanami.

"I don't know," Nanami squints at the cross, "Maybe mentally interrogating Jesus. Would that send me to hell?"

"I'm not sure how many of us are going to heaven," Hershel admits, "But, I can give an estimate of how many of us are going to hell."

Nanami shrugs, leaning back in the pew, "Do you think you're going to hell?"

Hershel tilts his head back and forth, "I have things I regret. I have things I've sinned for and over. But, being aware of those make it feel.. plausible that I may go to heaven."

"Well, if you're unsure of where you're going, I guess I'm screwed," Nanami huffs, "You're like.. God in the present day."

"I'm not," Hershel denies, "Far from it, really."

"You still have faith. That's a lot more than anything I got going."

"I didn't always have it. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if it's still in me to believe and have hope."

Nanami rests his head against the back of the pew, eyes casting over Hershel's sad face, "Is it because of Beth?"

Hershel's gaze grows sadder than before, worry etched on his face for his youngest daughter. She was still missing. Hershel prayed that it could've been the other way around, with him gone and Beth here.

"Sorry," Nanami bows his head, "I didn't think that through before I said it."

"Being a father and not having two of my kids around.. I think I'm already in hell," Hershel admits.

Nanami could faintly recall Maggie mentioning her older brother- the one that was dead. Shawn was his name. Shawn, Maggie, and Beth.. Hershel only had Maggie right now.

"When I got remarried to Beth's mom.. Maggie used to say that Beth was my favorite. She was younger and had all my attention. If only she knew how wrong she was.."

"Glenn told you," Nanami figures.

"He's horrible at keeping secrets."

There are a few seconds of passing silence, Nanami trying to figure out which and how to say the things on his mind. He didn't want to make a side comment that would potentially hurt Hershel's feelings again.

"Sakiko was a brat," Nanami huffs, "But, I've messed up more than she has."

Hershel turns to face Nanami as the teen continues.

"Sure, Kiko can be a handful. But, she's never outwardly tried to hurt someone's feelings. I.." he sighs heavily, "I can't say the same. I've done things. I've hurt people. Good people."

"We've all done things, Nanami."

Nanami shakes his head erratically, "No. Not like me."

"And why is that?" 

Nanami closes his eyes only to see the image of those soldiers on the ground, "I've done.. Worse."

Opening his eyes again, Nanami sighs heavily like a weight just wouldn't get off his chest.

"No amount of forgiveness will ever make it okay."

Hershel frowns, "Forgiveness is a long road. You can't expect things to just go away simply because you know it was wrong."

When Nanami doesn't say anything, Hershel rests his rough hand on Nanami's knee comfortingly.

"But, you have to remember. Forgiveness starts in yourself. Just because others forgive you, it means nothing as long as you don't move on."