Charlie and Nick: A Heartstopper FanFic

It's All Ben's Fault

Nick hadn’t felt prepared for therapy when he left his flat the next day. He'd been able to ignore it and the issues that prompted his decision to seek help. To his surprise, he was incredibly open with his new therapist. He told her everything he felt was relevant, from how he and Charlie got together onwards.

“And then, he tells me that I’m smothering him,” Nick relayed to Dr. Singe. “I don’t want that. I want him to feel nothing but amazing around me.”

“You know that can’t always be the case,” Dr. Singe told him.

“I know, but…” Nick trailed off. “I think that’s why I encouraged him to go on tour. I can see it on his face that he hates it. I just pushed him into it because I was afraid. I was selfish.”

“Love can be very selfish,” she stated. “Does Charlie feel that you pushed him into this situation?”

“He wouldn't say so. He'd be afraid to hurt my feelings.”

“So, is it possible that he wanted to go? That your support was freeing as opposed to suffocating?”

“I suppose.”

“Why do you think he said he feels suffocated?”

Nick stared down at his hands. “I guess I can be a little overprotective with him. I can’t help it. I just feel this need to keep him safe. After so many years, I think he's grown a little tired of it. I think,” he paused, carefully choosing his words, “I worry that I make him feel like a victim.”

“Do you treat him like one?”

“I’m not sure,” Nick confessed.

Dr. Singe reviewed her notes before meeting Nick's gaze. “Do you think that has anything to do with the assault you stopped when you were 16?”

Nick thought on it. “It’s possible.”

“You said, yourself that the incident was what solidified your friendship. Is it possible that you've molded your relationship around keeping Charlie safe because you’ve seen him in an unsafe environment, one that scarred you as well?”

“I think that could be a factor,” Nick told her. “But I want him to be safe because I love him. That’s normal.”

“Of course it is,” Dr. Singe smiled. “I'm only trying to understand the situation, not make assumptions. That being said, I do wonder how you were affected by that day. Tell me about Ben.”

Nick sat comfortably in an easy chair across a coffee table from her. He rested an ankle on his opposite knee and stared down at his healing knuckles. “We were mates in school. He used Charlie. He broke his heart, then he tried to force himself onto him. I could never be friends with him after that. I hated him. I still hate him because I still see it. I can still hear him trying to quiet Charlie, all while telling him how much he liked him. Even if Charlie was still interested, Ben had no right to do that without consent. The way he spoke to him, like Charlie was garbage, then he spouts this, ‘you know how much I like you’ bullshit.”

“Alright. That was back then. Why did you follow him out of the club last week?”

Nick didn’t know how to answer.

“Charlie was in no immediate danger. Why follow Ben?”

“I was angry. I wanted him to stop popping up,” he said. “It’s his fault.”

“What is?”

“Everything,” Nick said, his emotions bubbling to the surface. “It’s his fault Charlie's like this. If it weren’t for him, Charlie would be able to eat without anxiety. He wouldn’t hate his body or think he’s a weak person. He wouldn’t hurt himself or…” he shook his head, unable to continue.

“So, it’s all Ben's fault, then?”

Through watery eyes, Nick chuckled at how childish it sounded when she said it.

“You’re giving him too much power,” Dr. Singe informed him. “A large part of what makes who we are is hardship and how we deal with it. You say you want Charlie to realize how strong he is. Maybe he already knows because he’s survived these ordeals. Maybe they didn’t break him, but made him. Charlie should be the one you’re giving credit to, not Ben. Maybe you’re the only one who sees him as a victim now. You need to move past it, it doesn’t foster a healthy relationship.”

“How? I mean, if I can’t keep him safe, then what use am I?”

“Supporting his dreams is a start,” she told Nick. “Love, honesty, loyalty, kindness. Try focusing on those. I'm sure you’ll both be better for it. What’s important is that you don’t neglect your own needs, which is difficult when all of your focus is on Charlie.”

“What about this Ben stuff? The anger? The memories?”

“It’ll take some time, but there is help available. There are coping mechanisms to learn, groups you could join, weekly therapy. I know it sounds like a lot, but we’ll go at your pace. I've experienced post traumatic stress myself, so please believe me when I tell you it will get easier. It’ll get better.”