By My Side - Sam/Aomaris Fanfiction

6) Mutual Trust

The sight of Sam unnerved me, for some reason, likely just because I hadn't expected to encounter anyone else tonight. I was fully expecting the incubi to go straight to bed once they'd finished organising things for the party.
There was some form of emotion in his eyes, but I couldn't quite place what it was. Unsure of how to react, I simply nodded and reclaimed the sofa I'd been lying on. I wanted to just pick up my book and go back to reading, but I couldn't do that so easily with another person in the room. I didn't know whether he wanted to talk or if he just wanted company. So I sat in complete silence, with no idea what to do or say. Sam returned to gazing into the fire, but after a minute or so, I noticed him flashing glances at me. Only brief ones, but every so often his eyes would dart to and from my face as if he was embarrassed to be staring.

Eventually, I got tired of the awkward atmosphere.
"You okay, Sam?" I asked him. He jumped, not expecting me to speak.
"Yeah, I'm in here to see you." I raised my eyebrows.
"Why?"
"I wanted to make sure you were okay." Ah. This must be about what happened earlier. It was nice to know he did actually feel bad and didn't just apologise because I'd asked him to.
"I'm fine. Given the context and the apology, I understand why you did it." Sam looked up at me, apparently confused.
"No, not about that. You've been acting depressed all night and even though my brothers didn't notice, I did." My first emotion was worry. I hated it when people knew what was wrong with me; it only ever led to trouble. But then, I became rather affronted.
"Not to be rude, Sam, but quite frankly, it's nothing to do with you. There's nothing wrong anyway."

"I don't believe you," Sam said flatly. He sat up and turned to look at me, his face hardened and his eyes sparkling in the light of the fire. It was then that I recognised the emotion buried in them. Pity.
"It doesn't matter whether you believe me or not. The fact of the matter is that you don't know what you're talking about." I snapped. He fell silent for a second, pondering his next words.
"I know you're lying to me, Phoenix. You've been acting way too strange for it to be nothing."
"Says who? You? You don't know anything about me. You've got no proof that this isn't how I act on a daily basis."
"Okay, then answer me this." He said. "What did you mean earlier when you said no one in their right mind would kiss you?" I stared at him.
"I meant exactly what I said. Are  you really pinning these accusations on one instance of self-deprecation?"
"Not entirely. He replied. "You haven't said a lot tonight, honestly. Like I said, it's how you've been acting."
"And how exactly have I been acting?"
"Well, for starters, you won't look anyone in the eye. You're reserved, you refused to tell James anything about yourself even when he outright asked, you zoned out more times than I can remember at dinner, and I'm pretty sure your leg didn't stop bouncing for the entire time you were sat down. And then there were all the times you completely shut down just to avoid conflict."

Silence fell. Sam was watching me, waiting for my reaction, but I wasn't sure how to react. I focused on him, more confused than ever.
"How did you notice all that?" I whispered.
"It's not hard to spot if you're looking for it." He told me.
"Why were you looking for it in the first place?!" I snapped again. I curled up in my seat, pulling a blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapping it around myself. Never before had I been called out so harshly, not to mention so accurately.
"Your eyes. I saw them." I furrowed my eyebrows and Sam elaborated, somewhat uncomfortable. "You were terrified of me, I could see that. I could tell you thought I was going to hurt you somehow or kill you. But after a second, it faded. Not because I'd enthralled you, but because you didn't care. That's when I saw something that scared me." He looked at me, the pity gone from his eyes but replaced with concern. "Relief." I looked down, avoiding his gaze. "You were happy that you were about to die. Or, at least, you thought you were going to."

I couldn't look at him. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, bringing with them the memories of everything that had happened over the past couple of days.
"Did you mention this to your brothers?" I mumbled. Sam shook his head. "Good. Don't."
"Why?"
"Because not even Mika knows any of this shit. I'd rather have gotten through my life without anyone knowing, but then you went and figured it out in, what, six hours?"
"You seriously expected nobody to notice?" Sam deadpanned.
"Well, yeah. I've come this far. Mika hasn't noticed, and none of your brothers did. Mika's friends, all my teachers, the entire school... None of them have noticed."
"What about your friends?"
"I have none."
"Family?" Sam frowned.
"My parents don't care enough to notice," I stated flatly. "Dad outright hates me, and my mother can't even be bothered to tell me she loves me, let alone worry if I'm struggling."
"What about-"
"Sam." I cut him off. "Just assume that not a single person on this godforsaken planet cares. You could bring up every person under the sun, but you won't get anywhere, because nobody gives a shit about me."