Unexpectedly Attached To You

Chapter 43

Another wave of confusion hit me.

Why? Why here? Why now?

"I was a jerk. A huge one." Mahina pa'ding sabi niya. "I was immature. Hindi na ako gagawa ng excuses dahil alam ko naman na kahit ano pang naging dahilan ko, I was wrong in so many ways. No. I was wrong in all ways possible."

I knew he was expecting something out of me pero wala. Wala akong naging tugon.

"I won't be asking you to believe me pero i'm really sorry. I was supposed to be there for you. But I was blinded by anger. Maybe a little jealousy too. Akala ko narereplace niyo na ako sa buhay niyo. And it took me years and hundreds of nights of overthinking to realize na ako mismo ang nagtulak sainyo na mapalayo ang loob saakin. I pushed away the most important person in my life dahil lang sa nahirapan akong tanggapin na hindi saakin nakapaikot ang mundo mo. I pushed you way too far. So far na hindi ko alam kung saan ka hahanapin. I blamed everyone else but myself when you left. Kahit harap-harapan mo nang sinabi sakin na ako ang naging dahilan mo. Nagalit ako sa lahat. Pero tiniis din ako ng lahat. Lalo na ikaw. I said things without thinking how harsh the effects would be on you. And that's where I knew that I was completely wrong about what I said. You aren't soft or sensitive. Kasi alam ko kung ibang tao ang nasabihan ng ganon, kung ako ang sabihan ng ganon, I wouldn't be living anymore. Nagawa mong magpatuloy even after everything I said." He gave me a subtly unsure smile.

I felt like crying. But I didn't.

"I'm proud of you Lia. For doing what you want to do. For not being blinded by what people could say. For staying determined to get what you want kahit nahihirapan ka na. Kahit sinabihan ka na ng lahat na hindi mo kaya." He paused to take a few short breaths. "I know this is a sudden change of heart. Baka iniisip mo kung ano ang nakapagpagising saakin sa katotohanan. Noong una hindi ko din alam. Itinatanggi ko pa sa sarili ko. But you left again. And you went with him. The guy I blamed for your leaving. The guy I believe wreaked you the most. Nakita ko kung paano mo siya binigyan ng second chance despite what he's done to you before. I thought you were so dumb to even let yourself be in the same room as him. But in reality you loved him enough to let him prove himself. And you did that to me too. Binigyan mo ako ng napakadaming chances na akala ko hindi na ako mawawalan. Then you stopped and I missed your presence. I told myself I lost you again. Then realization hit me that I didn't lose you. I purposely put you in a place where I couldn't find you again. Or at least not until I found myself first. And i'm sorry. I was selfish and blamed it on you. I was immature because I thought everyone was against me. I fucked up my life but I messed up yours more. At wala na akong magagawa para maalis lahat ng sakit sa'yo. Wala na akong masasabi para makalimutan mo lahat ng mga nagawa ko."

I could feel my hands shaking as I watched my brother bring his hand to his face to wipe the single tear that he managed to let out.

That singular tear was what lead me to quickly walk over to him and hug him as tight as I could.

If I was to ever imagine this scenario, iisipin ko na ako ang hahagulgol. Ako ang iiyak habang yakap yakap ako ng kuya ko. But that wasn't what was happening. It was the other way around. He cried and I let every one of his tears fall on my shoulders.

I hoped that each tear would erase every stinging pain his words caused me. Pero sa punto ngayon, tulad ng sabi niya, wala nang magagawa o masasabi ang kahit na sino para mabura sa isipan ko lahat ng 'yon. All those words are still scars carved in my heart and would forever sting.

"It will never be to late for us to start over again, kuya." I whispered as I tried to console him. "Masakit man lahat, I forgave you. Before coming back, I already forgave you. Kasi kapatid kita. Mahal kita eh. I looked up to you my whole life. I even aspired to be you. I understood you. Sadyang bad timing ang lahat kaya hindi kita nasamahan sa paghihirap mo. Life was just as unfair to you as it was to me."