Unexpectedly Attached To You

Chapter 27

On the ride in the car, mas magaan ang pakiramdam ko kumpara sa kanina noong nasa eroplano pa kami. It's probably because of the fact that I have accepted that there is no turning back now.

I was still deep in thought as I stared outside the car window. What will I do when I get home? How will I approach my mom? Iniwan ko siya ng walang paalam. She had no idea where I was and how I was doing. For all those years, my dad swore to act as if he had known nothing. I'm surprised he actually managed pulling it off for more than four years.

Kinekwento saakin ni dad kung paano magsalita si mom tungkol saakin noong nasa Italy pa ako. She would always say she wondered if I was okay and if I would ever come back home. Ilang beses niya din'g sinubukan na kumbinsihin si dad nai-report sa police na nawawala ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya nakontra ni dad na hindi sinasabi kung nasaan ako but the important thing is that he did it and it's all over now. Hindi ko na kailangan magtago. I need to face my problems now. I'm an adult and I can't hide from the things I need to deal with to live my life. The only thing that is meant to be hidden is the fact that I still don't know how to face my brother.

When it comes to my mother, alam kong hindi ako mahihirapang magpaliwanag dahil maiintindihan niya naman ako. But with the way my brother acted and treated everyone of us right before I left, hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya i-aapproach. Maybe he changed. Maybe he learned to conceal his true feelings like he used to. Maybe he's not going to be mad at me. Maybe i'm just over thinking everything. But that still won't change the fact that the words he said to me still echo in my head causing the same intensity of stinging pain that it always has ever since the very second those words got imprinted in my brain.

You're too soft and sensitive Lia. Hindi ka niloko ni Noah. Make it clear in your head na hindi big deal ang ginawa niya. If you can't accept that, then in what world would you be able to own and manage a company.

I always thought that maybe the words weren't what continue to hurt me. Dahil kung may nagsabi saakin ng ganon without the context and not in that exact situation, hindi ako masasaktan ng malala. Maybe it was the timing, the situation.

Or maybe it was just because of who said it. It was the only person i've ever looked up to growing up who invalidated my feelings that sent me into my breaking point. Maybe it was the expectations I put up. Siguro masakit dahil sa akala. Kasi buong buhay ko, si kuya ang nagpoprotekta saakin. He protected me from getting hurt and from the people who would hurt me. He would be there to heal my wounds and he would be the person I ran to for emotional support. He would wipe my tears, tell me everything will be okay. But when I needed him the most, he couldn't be the kuya I needed him to be.

He healed my pains but planted the biggest scar on my heart.

Siguro nga kasalanan ko din kasi as he said, never ko naman din siyang kinamusta noong nahihirapan din siya. But as those scenes come playing over and over again in my head like a broken dvd, I felt no pity or guilt. The pain he caused over-powered everything i've ever felt. He made seeing my ex-boyfriend kiss someone else a faint line scratched into the side of my brain.

I couldn't even imagine a scenario where I would ever be able to look at him the same way I used to. I would've never asked for more than him. Now all I could wish for is sana hindi nalang 'yon nangyari. Sana nanahimik nalang ako. Sana tinanggap ko nalang. Hindi ko nalang sana ginawang big deal lahat ng nalaman ko. Sana sinubukan ko nalang intindihin kahit sobrang gulo ng naging situwasyon. But I couldn't turn back time no matter how much I wish I could.

Blank. My mind was blank as I stood in front of my childhood home. How can one scene cause a sudden over-flow of emotions?

I suddenly felt so drained na hindi ko alam kung saan ko ba nakuha yung lakas na pumasok sa bahay.