Private Hearts

Kabanata 10

I spent the night talking with my father. Doon ko napagtanto kung gaano akong nangulila sa kanya. I was a daddy's girl. I always love to be around my father. Kaya nang mag-hiwalay sila ni mama ay doon ako nagsimula maging tahimik. To be prim and proper because my mother will be angry.

Gusto ko din makausap si mama kapag nay pagkakataon. Gusto ko yung hindi siya magagalit at hindi pangungunahan ng emosyon. I love my mother too, that's why I wanted to understand her. Itinaguyod niya akong mag-isa without Tito Paul's help. 

"Your mother was scared that I might get you from her. Hindi ko gagawin 'yon sa kanya, Siob. Gusto ko lang na makasama ka at bigyan ka ng kustodiya. Gusto kong maging ama sa'yo. Kaya nang sabihin ko sa kanya 'yon ay mas lalo lang siyang nagalit. I don't want her to get mad at me. I wanted us to compromise because we have you. Ikaw ang silbing koneksyon namin dalawa." 

He gave me a faint smile. Alam ko naman na kahit nagkausao na kami ni papa ay may gap pa din sa aming dalawa. Siguro hindi naman kasi agad 'yon mababalik. But I'm willing to bring back the connection with my father.

"I will talk to Mama, Pa. But I know this time she's not open. When the two of you got separated she was devastated and hurt. Hindi ko po alam kung ano ba talaga ang puno't dulo but I will try to understand, Pa."

Bumuntong-hininga siya at hinila ako palapit sa kanya.

"Did you fall out of love with mama?" hindi ko na napigilang itanong. 

"No, Siob." Tiningnan ko siya at malungkot ang mga mata nito. "It's the marriage who drowned us." 

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang ibig niyang sabihin. Mukhang nakita niya ang ekspresyon ng mukha ko.

"We're not ready inside the life of being married." He sighed. "We thought marriage will help us grow as a couple, pero hindi, Siob. Mas lalo lang kaming lumubog. Mas lalo namin hindi nasalba ang relasyon namin. Laura is the gentlest and caring woman I have ever met. She loves me very much but those characteristics ate her at hindi ko siya masisisi doon." 

Tumingin siya sa malayo.

"I was persistent to save our marriage that I forgot her. That she has feelings too. Na wala na pala ang pagmamahal sa ginagawa ko at alam kong gano'n din siya. We tried and tried to save our marriage that we forgot ourselves. Hindi na kami masaya. The spark that we tried to revive wasn't there anymore. Na kahit anong gawin namin ay wala na talaga, Siob. We tried for you because we wanted to give a complete family. That we don't want to disappoint you. Pero mahirap pala, Siob."

Malungkot akong tumingin sa kanya. 

"Then, bakit sinasabi ni mama na dahil sa first love mo kaya kayo naghiwalay?" umiling siya.

"Mary was my first love. She came back from the Philippines to settle down. She's not the woman you will think ill about. She's nice. Alam ng mama mo 'yon, but because of what's happening to us she thinks that I cheated on her pero hindi gano'n ang nangyari. I tried to explain to her but she didn't want to listen. Hindi kami nagpakasal ni Mary noong six years old ka. It was a fake marriage para lang makalaya siya sa magulang niya. She was bound to marry a tycoon she didn't know. Tinulungan ko lang siya, Siob, your mother knows that from the beginning. Also, Paul was already in the scene.

Nagugulat ako sa mga rebelasyon ni papa kaya naman mas lalong gusto kong malaman pa ang iba.

"Your mother was the first one to get married. It was Paul, his childhood friend." 

"Talaga po?" gulat na gulat kong sabi. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman 'yan, Papa. Mama doesn't talk about those things and she doesn't talk to me that much."