Walking In Your Fleeting World || Dazai Osamu

Chapter-19: Begone!

Amayadori
Shelter from the rain

(A/n: You don't need to play the song. I wrote this chapter listening to it millions of times on repeat, so I added it. Amayadori is also taken from this song's lyrics.)

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-Riki's POV-

I'll never get to see those faces again. 

How can it be... We're supposed to go flower viewing after the war. I promised them... I-

My hands are aching. That is only natural, I smashed them on the ground, broke the bones inside, but that's not the reason they are aching. They want to reach out to something, they want to grab onto something, but that something no longer exists.

I bring them in front of my eyes, spread my fingers, and just helplessly stare at them. I want to clench onto something. I don't know what. I feel like I am falling, I need to grab something. But I can't do anything.

I press down one of my hands with the other, but the aching doesn't stop. 

I tighten my grip, yet the pain just won't stop.

I press my hands on my chest, harshly, praying the aching will stop, but no. It ignites something, and the insides of my chest start aching, as if I lost everything.

Odasaku is sitting right beside me, he softly calls my name. His voice makes me burst into tears as I turn to him.

A helpless squeak comes out of my mouth, my lips tremble, I want to say something. But what am I supposed to say?

It's all my fault? It's not my fault? I could've saved them? I couldn't save them?

Who am I to blame? What am I to do? Why am I still alive?

I try to punch the metal guardrail of the bed, trying to stop the pain. Odasaku quickly clasps my hands reading the future, stopping me before I get the chance. 

"Don't hurt yourself anymore."

"Nii-san..." I somehow whisper. 

His hand touches the back of my head, pulling my face closer to his chest, "Shh, don't say anything." 

I could've prevented that. I wanted to prevent that. My worthless self could've saved them!

But, but, but... I can't save them anymore. They are already dead, they are already gone.

What did I change then? Why did I come here? Why am I still alive? This is what... this is what I've done? I've done nothing!

Nothing, nothing, nothing. Not at all. Not a single thing.

What am I supposed to do? I can't stop crying. I should say something.

I press down on Odasaku's other hand, my eyes full of tears. I sob silently, squeezing his hand. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. 

I... if only, if only there was a way I could turn back time, I swear I will never leave them. But even that is useless. 

I look to my side, where Ango and Ryu are silently standing. Ryu walks toward me, draped in Dazai's coat, as the walking proof of my useless existence. 

I stare at his face, desperately trying to stop crying. I've never let him see my tears... but today, today I'm such a failure I can't even conceal them.