Walking In Your Fleeting World || Dazai Osamu

Chapter-10: I'm still here

Ryuuzo Kouso arc 1/6

"Approach of a radical woman, pining for me excessively, how basic. The list of such women goes on and on, there's no way you thought you're special right?"

"Nee-san are you okay??" Hibiki's worried yet muffed voice wakes me in a cold sweat, tears running down my face. I sit up on my futon. The sun has yet to rise, our only room is darkened to the point I can't even see Hibiki's face. But I can guess his worried expression.

"It's another nightmare, don't worry about it." I force a smile while running my hands through my cheeks carefully getting rid of all the tears that were flowing without any tension in the world. 

I get nightmares pretty much every day, either about the death of my parents and sister, or my suicide attempt or about the betrayal I suffered. Sometimes I scream and wake up, sometimes I cry silently, and sometimes I do not react at all. Ever since I met Dazai my nightmares are mostly about him rejecting me over and over again. I never actually thought of what would happen if that becomes the truth, the thin thread I'm hanging onto is becoming more and more apparent each passing day. 

I do not have a reason to live other than him.

"You want to talk about it?" 

I shake my head, "Don't worry, it's okay." I softly pat his head, rolling my thin futon I put it in its place. "I'm gonna go get water, you go back to sleep. You're awake 3 hours early. I'm sorry for waking you, must've been too noisy?"

"No, but you were flipping over quite a bit." He rubs his sleepy eye, lying back down. "You should go back to sleep too."

"The freshwater supply becomes crowdy when the sun rises, now that I'm awake I can take care of it without the excess trouble."

I quietly slip out of our house, putting up an act before Hibiki. I feel like trash, worthless, inflammable trash. I shouldn't have existed, I should have just died then. Why in the hell did I come here? 

Trying my hardest to suppress all my negative thoughts I fill up the jars of water, bringing it back home. Hibiki fell asleep, and the rest hasn't woken up yet. I leave a note, written in simple hiragana that I will miss breakfast today.

When I'm transparent, my ability doesn't take in any outside emotion, nor does it applies mine on others. Almost as if the world disconnects me from everything. Turning transparent I start running aimlessly until my head spins; until I feel like puking. When I run, my bad feelings and tough emotions fade away. But today it's all just not working. I cry my heart out, in front of the Tsurumi river, transparent and away from everyone.

-

"Oi, oi, are you okay?" 

"What?" I shout, sitting up. The bright morning sun gives me a violent greeting upon opening my eyes. 

Agh, not again, I lost it didn't I? "

"You okay? You were lying-"

"I was sleeping. You didn't have to be loud." Tch, even my transparency gets canceled if I lose consciousness, agh everything is pissing me off. 

"You're in a ba- bad mood...?"

"Because you woke me up from sleep." I soften my voice, forcing a smile, "I apologize. By the way Nishikata-san, you usually do not approach me. How have you been?"

He rubs the side of his neck, stepping away from me, "Sorry that I approached you... it's just that you were lying there as if you died. Your face is quite red and swollen too."