Walking In Your Fleeting World || Dazai Osamu

Chapter-36: I was waiting impatiently

Words yet to say

-Neutral POV-

"Thank you, Dazai-san. I love you."

Quiet and rushed, like a gale of wind breezing through overgrown trees in a deep dark forest, the words make their way into Dazai's ears. Everything before his eyes stops in a blur — as if a wicked witch has cast a spell on the clock of time, abruptly ceasing the rhythmic flow of eternity. His eyes widen, the restlessness of his beating heart growing louder by the second as he tries to apprehend what has just been said.

I love you.

He twirls toward the door on his left, the corner of his eyes barely catching a glimpse of Riki's fleeing figure coated in black. Even a second ago he was slightly irritated at the girl to have forced him to agree to something he was dead set on to never agree — something he knows is dangerous for her. How does she do it, he has no clue. But he knows one thing, somehow, in some way, he will always end up listening to whatever she requests.

I love you...?

Why? No, no, no, no, no, no way! Why'd she say that? After all that mocking, teasing, annoying her to the limit, pointing out every bit of her flaws, harshly beating down her 'creative' ideas — why'd she say that? Not to mention she claimed she hated him the whole week too!

This wouldn't have mattered, he knows this wouldn't have mattered if he didn't so foolishly take a look in his own — empty, bottomless, devoid of everything— heart; trying to disprove something that was much clearer than the full moon in an unclouded night sky.

But even still he wants to deny it; he has to deny it. The girl deserves someone much better— someone, who isn't full of suicidal ideation; who doesn't kill in cold blood; who leads a kind life— someone he isn't quite ready to be yet!

What if it isn't worth it? What if the yearning he has for her is just an ephemeral fascination, one that will fade away the moment he gets used to her? He would end up hurting her horribly, wouldn't he? He can't do that to her!

Yet still, Dazai jumps out of his chair and runs to the door, his hands gripping the doorframe as he springs his head outside; desperately trying to locate her in the lengthy hallway. 

"Riki-chan!" He yells out, but the shout only echoes and rebounds on the white concrete walls, returning back to him.

The mafioso standing nearby looks at him confusedly; this is the first time he has ever seen his young superior so worked up— face pale and eyes wide, his voice a little shaky too. Excitement? Fear? Shock? The man can't tell.

"She took the elevator, sir." He responds politely, "Should I call her back?"

"Yeah?" Dazai looks at him, his lips slightly parted as he unconsciously draws in a breath; a little surprised as if the mafioso was invisible this whole time and just now appeared in front of him. "Oh, no. The- there's no need. I- I will call her... err, whatever. Nothing. It's alright."

Dazai quickly shoves himself back inside his office before the mafioso can respond; his back hitting the wall near the doorframe; his right hand loosely clenched and held over his lips.

What was he going to say? What was he thinking? Good grief, can't he get a grip already?

Honestly, why did it turn out to be like this? Better yet, how did it turn out like this? This isn't even close to what he intended when he forced her to be his assistant! There was a concise, well-thought-out, rational plan. It was quite simple too: Getting her to hate him.

It was supposed to work out well, and he was almost sure it would. She'd learn about his deeds while doing his paperwork; Her kind and merciful nature would clash with his unkind and merciless nature; they'd have a massive, unresolvable argument — and she'd drift away from him entirely.