Only 7 minutes b.e

32

I woke up and Immediately held my head in pain, I realized I was still In my office, the chair wasn't comfortable and I had a pounding headache.

I got up and cleaned up my mess from the previous night before leaving my office and went into the kitchen where I smelled breakfast being made and I saw my son in his highchair eating some pancakes.

"Hi my baby," I kissed his head then went over to Cassie putting the last pancake on the last plate before turning off the pan.

"Good morning," I kissed her cheek but she didn't respond.

"you mad at me?"

"I thought you were coming to bed?" She turned around to look at me while folding her arms.

"Oh shit I'm sorry I got caught up in my work I fell asleep"

"No it's okay I know you got promoted and it's a lot of work for you"

"I'll make it up to you okay?"

"How about dinner? You take me out?"

"You got it," I kissed her forehead

"Imma go brush my teeth then eat"

"Okay"

_________

I sat down in my office and took out a small bag full of the white powder I've been tryna avoid. I took a shower, I cleaned the apartment, I did jumping jacks, I took a jog.

nothing just nothing kept me from thinking about it just knowing I even had It.

I let it take control over me. I lined it up into a thin straight line looking at it hesitantly as my leg bounced up and down and I was chewing on my nail.

I felt likebI needed it so I sniffed it up my nose and held it feeling it instantly kick in.

"Mommy?" I heard Eloise's little voice, I couldn't tell if the drug kicked in too fast or what because she's supposed to be with my brother. I looked behind me and saw her standing there looking for permission to come in.

"Oh shit Eloise," I whispered wiping my nose and looked in the small mirror making sure I didn't have anything on it.

"Hi baby come here," I got down on one knee and she ran into my arms

"hi my angel," I kissed her head then picked her up.

"Where's uncle?" I asked her.

"With mama"

"Oh okay how was uncle and Auntie's house?"

"Goood"

"Were you good?"

"Yes"

"Are you lying to me?"

"Noooo"

"Fine imma just have to ask them myself then"

"Okay," she said confidently and we walked down into the living room.

"Billie"

"Brother"

"How you feeling?"

"I'm fine...how was she?"

"Great she's a big help"

"That's my girl," I threw her up in the air and caught her making her giggle then kissed her cheek.

"You didn't do anything did you?" I asked

"..No" I looked over at him giving him a faint smile making sure Cassie was not in the room keeping the conversation short and simple.

"Good...I'm proud of you"

You shouldn't be

"Thanks," I walked off taking Eloise with me.

______

"See you soon" I gave Eloise a high five then she ran off with my brother since their week with each other wasn't over.

I feel bad because he thinks I'm sober, but I'm not, I wasn't the moment he walked through that door.

Even worse Cassie doesn't even know what's going on, and my kids are too young to understand. I'm trying to keep it that way for now. I wanna get clean but I can't, It's too overwhelming.

I keep letting my pass and my depression get to me and it fucks with me. Cassie knows I've been changing and she would barley even look at me or touch me, almost like she doesn't recognize me like I'm a stranger.

Maybe I am turning into a stranger, as long as I have drugs I'm not myself.

"Come to bed soon yeah?" Cassie said to me.

"Okay"

"Goodnight" she kissed my cheek

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you," she kissed my lips, we started a mini make out session and I grabbed her hips sitting her on my lap kissing down to her neck and slipped my hand into her shorts.

"Billie?"

"Hm?"

"Can we just go to bed"

"Did I do something wrong or make you uncomfortable?"

"No it's not that I'm just not in the mood"

"Talk to me"

"Can you just come to bed...please"

"Not until you tell me what's on your mind"

"..I'm fine don't worry about it"

"No I wanna know what's on your mind what's bothering you aren't we supposed to be honest with each other?"

"You haven't been so honest to me"

"What?"

"...I know about the drugs Billie...I found them in your car and I knew what you were doing at Pablo's house that night, I don't know how you could just lie to me like that I don't even know who you are anymore," she wiped her tears and walked out of the room.

"Oh shit"