Fruitcake Sanctuary (GL)

Chapter Twenty One

Ate Vivi, I don't want to live.

Now listen, life is lovely, wonderful and amazing, but I can't live It. I can't even explain to you. I know how stupid it sounds...but if you knew how it Felt. To be alive, yes, alive, but not be able to live it since when our parents died. It's my fault.

That's the shit on me happens na para na lang akong isang batong nabubuhay... nakakulong sa isang bagay sa realidad, sa loob ng isang nabubuhay na bagay, isa lang akong bato.

Ate, do you know of such things, naririnig mo ba?? I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something for, then I could be brave, but to be not dying, and yet...and yet to be behind a shadow, watching everyone fit in where I can't...to talk behind a gray foggy shadow, to live but to not reach or to reach wrong...to do it all wrong... believe me, pwede po ba?...because what's wrong...I want to belong. I'm like a creature who ends up in the wrong world. I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm dark. And I love you Ate, I love you, I really do.. I want you to be happy...I love you...I'm sorry for making you sad and let you feel the hatred, And I'm sorry for being weak and ill...

I'm so sorry...

-- Cc

***

Suicide.

It was a serious matter.

There's no way to guarantee it, especially when I know for sure that there is something wrong with the people commiting it and struggling with their hidden pain.

Yun ang gusto kong intindihin para kay Cece habang binabasa ko ng paulit-ulit ang sulat niya na iniwan niya kay Vivi when she tried to commit sucide.

Binigay to ni Vivi pagkatapos naming mag-usap kanina.

Hindi ko din alam bakit niya iyon binigay o baka gusto niya ding malaman ko ang dinaranas ni Cece before she went here.

Hindi ko napigiling mapaiyak ng sobra ng mabasa ko to, I also felt her pain.

The pain that was broken inside her that need to be fix.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit naging ganito pala dati ang Cece na kasama ko ngayon, ang Cece na may nakaraan na kagaya nito, isang madilim na nakaraan.

Tinatanong ko mismo ang sarili ko, kung bakit nga ba niya nagawang takbohan ang realidad o ang katinuan at kapitan ang kamatayan dahil sa sakit, pagsisisi at kalungkutan?

Gusto kong bumalik sa nakaraan yun na kasama niya ako na nagawa niya kinaya ang lahat na kasama ako at yun sana...she never let broke herself, she never has to...because I was there with her...

When she suffered from that pain, that burden sadness.

When what people never understood that depression isn't about the outside.

It's about the inside.

Something inside of them is wrong.

Sure, there are things in their life that make theme feel alone, but nothing makes them feel more isolated and terrified than their own voice in the head telling them to ended everything, every pain they felt.

That if you can see right through their stomach, the black fog of depression is filled in and consuming them slowly until they break down.

Napahinga ako ng malalim at napatingin sa malayo.

Hinahayaan ko parin umagos ang mga luha ko...dahil parang dinudurog mismo ang puso ko.

I will also never forget that day, in the same way that some people survived a tragedy, can't just put it out of their pretty little head.