All the tears I've wept (dabihawks)

Chapter

How long?

How long had it been since I had seen someone smile?

Since I saw him smile?

Since I smiled?

Really truly smiled?

I didn't know.

How could I?

With Midnight and half the team dead, with an entire city destroyed, with families broken apart?

How could I be happy?

I know what the commission taught me, to always be tough and smile when people are scared otherwise what kind of hero was I?

But I just couldn't

I was so full of guilt of what ifs?

What if I was on the other team?

What if I had been with Keigo?

They were overwhelming me, drowning me.

The only thing I could see was blood when I closed my eyes, so I just had to keep them open and look at him, Keigo
Honestly seeing him like this scares me. I mean even when he was at his worst in the hospital quite a long time ago he was smiling. Now he's just blank, like he lost his power to feel.....anything. Staring at the almost blinding white of the hospital walls.

I should say something but I didn't, I didn't know what was stopping my, maybe it was because it seemed to awkward, maybe it was because I was scared he wouldn't answer. I wanted to though, I needed to, I was so sad so lonely he looked to sad too. "Hey" I said quietly, "You okay?" I asked. Oh great dumbass! I thought to myself OF course he's not okay his best friend just tried to kill him! I silently reprimanded myself then looked back up at him hoping that I didn't upset him even more. But his eyes said otherwise I don't know if it was just the light or if he was actually starting crying. I should just stop, but I can't I have to keep talking, I don't want to stop I want to talk to my best friend! I want both of us to be happy! I didn't wan't to push his boundaries or make him uncomfortable I never wanted that but I had to ask I needed to ask, I needed to know if it was true! "Did you know? Did you know he was-he-I-mhm." For some reason it was still hard for even me to say his name. Every time I tried I just kept thinking of when we had lunch together of how he'd read stories, of how he'd always make people smile. He was my friend to even though I wasn't as close to him as Kei-kun was but still I missed him so fucking much. "You didn't know he was Toya....did you." My voice cracked when I said his name, it was like if I said it he would come kill us the same man we had trusted so long ago. He didn't answer my question in fact he just looked down and I didn't blame him, I couldn't.

Why?

Why? would he ever want to answer a question like that. Shit, why? Why am I so bad at this? Why am I so bad at making people feel better about themselves?

Why am I such a bad friend?

Why did I ever let anything like this happen in the first place!

I'm Miruko for fucks sake.

I'm a bad friend, i'm a really bad friend, I have to make up for it! Somehow I just need to make it up to him, I thought to myself,

How?

I don't know console him? "Hey Keigo?" I said, with him looking up at me when he heard his beautiful name. "If you ever need anything..really anything at all, i'm here! You know that right? I know there's a lot going on and I'm trying to figure everything and your trying to figure things out and I just want to let you know that your still the best fucking friend I've ever had!" I said with a giant smile on my face, most likely looking stupid as fuck trying not to cry trying my hardest to try and cheer him up.

Not a true one, but close enough. Maybe it would make him at least sorta happy.
Because in reality I would do anything to see Keigo happy, even if that meant sacrificing my own life. I looked up and met his golden amber eyes and he stared back into the depths of my grey ones. "I'm sorry" I whispered feeling tears form in my eyes hoping they wouldn't fall. Because if they did I well I guess i'd just feel like a fool and I wouldn't be able to fucking stop. I moved my hard uncomfortable chair closer to the bed and laid down on top of his legs covered by the soft white blanket stained with terrifying red. Just a clue to how much everyone had suffered, I wonder how many people had used this blanket before.

I wonder how many people died under this blanket.

I felt nauseous when that thought arrived. I didn't want to think about it but I did. I felt a warm set of fingers run through my hair and a horse voice saying,

"Hey Rumi?" My eyes fluttered open in surprise, he hadn't used my real name in so long. I..had even almost forgotten it and the way it sounded.

"Yeah?" I replied, my eyes burning with tears once more.

"Thank you" he whispered with a small sad smile on his face. My heart leapt with joy, sure it wasn't a big smile or really a happy smile but it was a fact that not all emotion was gone from my usually energetic friend that made me start to cry.

"No problem" I replied with hope in my voice, hope that Keigo would be the person he was before all this shit happened. "We're still friends right?" I asked while reaching my hand out to touch his wrapping my hands around his warm, warm hands.
"Of course we are Rums and we'll always be you know that right?" Keigo replied.

"Yeah, and i'm glad we are," I said. No more words were ushered but as I listened to his breathing I noticed his becoming slower, and as time moved on I felt my own breaths also felt heavier as well. With both our hearts beating in sync we both slowly fell asleep with our hands intertwined.