All the tears I've wept (dabihawks)

Chapter 31

It fucking happened again. 

He was goddamn fucking gone again holy shitttt. 

Now I had to be worried again and also contemplate my entire existence while looking for him.

I had been searching for a while, fuck he was such a problem wasn't he? I needed a smoke, I know it barely helped last time but what the hell I was too tired for this shit. 

Fuck where was he? I was actually starting to get a little worried, anxiety gnawed at my stomach like a hungry lion. It was weird you know? Hating him, loving him and worried for him all at the same time, everything was too confusing and I still wasn't even fucking close to my original plan, nothing was going according to the plan! 

I stumbled through the trees, my hands in my pockets still a little cautious after all we were still in enemy territory. I walked through the trees, listening to the birds sing their little song, listened to the trees leaves dance and shake to the rhythm of the wind. It was quite warm outside stark contrast to the night and how cold it was. 

That's when I stumbled across it, a whole mess of feathers red as blood and two unconscious bodies. 

Uh oh.   

That's nott good. 

Yeah you think dumbass? 

Fear washed through me, but not enough to completely shut my system down, after all there was no blood, anywhere sure the guys unconscious were a little roughed up but no pools nothing on the trees. 

It did look however like he was ambushed or something similar after all I knew Keigo, he's too stubborn to give up a fight.  

Do you really know him?

Not now I don't need this now he could be in danger! 

Exactly. 

"Yuma." 

You could just leave him, leave him tell them you found nothing, at night you could steal their stuff and run away, you could be with your friends again! 

You'd be happy. 

Happy? 

I could never be happy. 

Ever again. 

Everything hurt too much, and if I left him behind it'd just hurt even more, I was a monster sure but I still felt guilt and I felt guilty because I felt guilt. 

Why should I of all people, the horror show I am feel guilty about all the things i've done? I mean I should feel guilt but I shouldn't be allowed to be relieved of that guilt it should stay with me. 

Forever. 

I should never be able to let it go, even though it felt like it was dragging me down. 

I dropped down picking up one of the feathers and examining them, they were crimson red and they tickled my hands, they were also very soft. 

It was so interesting to me how easily he controlled them, I guess he did have a lot of practice but he was just as easily able to grab things and throw them as well as his feathers. 

I wonder if they felt pain? 

I wonder, how badly I hurt him, how bad everything hurt. 

I wonder how badly I ruined absolutely everything? 

I guess if I wanted to find him i'd just have to ruin some more stuff eh? 

Did I want to find him?