All the tears I've wept (dabihawks)

Chapter 18

Three days prior 

"Toga! Where the hell did you take my controller!?" I heard Shigaraki yell from the other room. I was hiding with Toga under a blanket trying not to laugh while she was giggling quietly. We knew that if Shigaraki caught us it would spark a hilarious round of tag along with several disintegrated pillows. 

Gods this was so much fun! 

I can't believe I almost forgot what this felt like. 

It almost reminded me of when I played hide and seek with Kei. 

No I can't, I can't think about him not right now. 

I wonder what would've happened if I didn't have to go. 

Would I be a hero working alongside him?

Would I be a civilian?   

Would I be a teacher? 

Would me and Keigo be together? 

Would he still love me? 

I'd never really know I guess. 

I missed him I missed him so much but I knew I could never go back. How I wanted to be with him again to hold him in my arms but I knew that, that could never happen ever again. 

Even if he forgave me, even if he'd even consider loving me again I knew the world would never forgive the horrible horrible things I've done. 

Especially not Keigo. 

But I missed him, I wanted him. I wanted to see his smile and his eyes. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I wanted to hold him to lend him my sweatshirts maybe kiss him if he didn't mind my scars. But I couldn't and I never could again. 

That made me sad. 

Very 

Very 

Sad 

Why didn't I just go back? Wouldn't he have loved me all the same?

Sure I didn't know where the hell I was after that fucking piece of shit doctor "fixed" me but I could have tried couldn't I? 

I could've tried to go back to Keigo.

I could've tried to save Inujiko. 

I could've tried to have been better to Toga. 

I could've tried. 

I could've.

But I didn't 

Why didn't I? 

Why the hell didn't I? 

I've asked myself the same question thousands of times but I never could find the answer. I shouldn't have come down here, I shouldn't have answered Toga when she came to me. I shouldn't have even joined these people. I'd have been better of rotting in the streets where I belonged. I didn't want to hurt anyone but I did, I have and honestly that's all I ever seem to do. Even when I was young. 

I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to. 

I didn't mean to.

But I did I still fucking did. I killed all those people all of them just to kill my fucking asshole of a father. He deserved it of course, he deserved to die but none of those innocent people did. 

It haunts me and rightfully so. 

The image plays over and over again, a little girl maybe six or eight standing in front of her parents to shield them from me, you see her father had the information I needed and they obviously weren't going to give it over easily. I was going to take her mother or maybe her as a hostage and make him give the info to me but the plan didn't work out so well. I had both her parents at well gun point I guess you could say even though I was going to use my quirk. But she, she just stood right in front of them not even caring weather or not she was going to get hurt, weather I would kill her or not, just worrying about her parents. 

I will admit that, that very thoroughly pissed me off, that this girl and her parents could have such a wonderful relationship that she would die for them. That she would sacrifice everything for them. 

I couldn't stand that. 

I wanted them to suffer. 

I wanted them to feel the same pain I felt, being thrown away, watching everyone I cared about slowly melt away, being manipulated and lied to. I couldn't stand it. 

In that moment I wanted to kill that little girl. 

That moment was also one of the only moments of my life where I felt true terror. 

I wanted to kill that little girl for what? She never did anything. It was me, me who was wrong. 

I still remember what I did. 

I walked over to the place on the floor where she dropped her teddy bear picked it up and gave it to her. 

And you know what I asked that little girl? 

I asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

"A hero, I want to be a hero so I can save people and stop bad guys like you!" 

"What's your name?" 

"DON'T TELL HIM THAT!" Her mother screamed from behind her.

But she did anyway. 

"Meiko."

"Well Meiko-san I'm a villain not because I want to kill people but simply because i've-i've been treated very wrong in the past, you should show everyone compassion little Meiko-san even people who you believe to be evil." 

Then I disappeared. 

The cops nor the PSIA caught me.

I like to think the family didn't call them at all but that was probably wrong. 

A loud rumble suddenly jolted me out of my thoughts. 

"What, what was that?" Toga whispered to me still under the blanket terror overtaking her voice. 

"I don't know," I replied coming out from under the blanket. "Shigaraki?" I yelled. 

"Yeah I heard it to," He told me walking back into the room. 

Then as soon as it came it was gone everything was back to normal. It was silent again. Except this time when I turned to look at Shigaraki he had an absolutely terrified look on his face.  

"Shigaraki! HEY!" I yelled shaking him trying to get him to snap out of it, now if he was actually having a panic attack just hitting him or shaking him wouldn't work but it seemed like something else. 

"He knows, he knows where we are he's done something, he's sending someone or something after us. He knows about everything." Shigaraki said, shaking. 

Suddenly the entire building split apart, different chunks of brick falling down on top of us, through the smog due to the breaking building I saw a bunch of people holding guns most likely here to arrest us I realized. 

I also realized that Shigaraki was right either that or these cops or whoever the hell these people were had incredible timing. 

I saw purple circles opening up around the building which was probably Kurogiri trying to phase us somewhere else to get us away from the conflict. I knew both Spinner and Shigaraki were gone which just left me and Toga. We were sort of stuck between the couch and a large cement peice, but there! Right there! 

There was an opening. 

I picked Toga up and threw her through the opening and through the portal. 

I ignored her screams, I ignored her cries I just needed her to be safe

Maybe then I could partly atone for whatever sins I had committed. 

As long as my new family was safe.