I felt his presence behind me. His warmth already making me feel better. The security that he gives whenever he's around is almost too good to be true. He always makes it better.
"Caly." His voice is gentle, seems unsure, guarded even but all too masked. "Are you alright?"
I faced him, letting all the tears flow before my eyes. Letting him see how I'm so hurt I could almost feel my heart tire from all of these coming to me all at once and not stopping. I felt vulnerable. But then again, when it comes to Apollo, it's never new to me.
I just received a call from my parents. Fate really does have its own timing. Kasi pinagsabay-sabay niya lahat ng problema ko. My mom called to announce her wedding. I didn't even know she met a new guy. It's only right to tell her how disappointed I am with her, right? I am her daughter after all. She could at least make me feel like one? Kahit sa mga importanteng pangyayari lang sa buhay niya? Kahit hindi na sa mga maliliit na bagay. Gusto ko lang maging parte ng buhay niya. But no, I'm always at the receiving end. And it hurt me. It makes me feel like I don't have a say in her - their life. Hindi na nga ako nageexpect ng malaki. Kahit konti lang. Kahit minsan lang.
And then there's my dad. I get that my dad is trying his best. But he does them for the hurtful reasons. He needs me because of this. He needs me because of that. I am never needed na ako lang. Hindi niya ako kailangan kasi anak niya ako, kailangan niya ako kasi nandyan lang ako. Namamalimos ng oras na hindi ko naman dapat ipagmakaawa. Kasi diba, anak ako? Kahit anak sa labas, pero anak ako. Diba?
Did I mention I am failing some of my classes? That's right. I have a fucked up life and a fucked-up grade. My emotional and mental health is slowly reaching its point to destruction.
Life is just awesome.
I nodded twice. Then another, and another and another until I can feel the whimper coming out of my mouth. Yes, I'm hurting again. Masakit. "I feel so worthless, Apollo. It feels like I never do anything right."
He stepped closer to me, his arms immediately making its way around me. His action sent my heart on fire, pumping its way so hard I can hear it beating. His other hand making its way to my face and stared at me. "That's not true. You are the only one that's right for me."
I shook my head. I've tried so hard. It's so hard to understand what love can people give you when you don't even know how to start loving yourself. Do anyone really know what it feels like to try and prove your worth to someone when you don't even know if you have worth at all?
"Tell me, baby. Tell me everything."
I sniffed. "What is there to tell, Apollo? My whole life is a complete mess. I don't even know why you're with me."
"Maybe because I don't know how to leave you."
* * *
I spent my day lying in his bed. The call from my parents took away all my energy. And also from crying. I can't remember when I stopped but when my senses started working again, I found myself lying in his bed with his body spooned behind me. His arms wrapped around me so tight I almost couldn't breathe. His steady breathing at the back of my head providing comfort to me. He has always been my safety blanket.
I felt loved.
I softly sighed. The silence inside the room made me think about all that has happened today. My mom's announcement of her wedding with her fourth husband. My dad's excitement for his third baby with Tita Karina. And then there's the stress from school... Fucking great.
Crying is the easiest way to let all of these out. These pressure lurking inside me will get the best of me one day and if I didn't do anything, I will really end up broken.
And of course, Apollo...
I felt him stir and buried his face in the hollow of my neck. He sighed deeply and felt his body relax even more with having me so close to him. It made me smile.
Being Apollo's girlfriend is also hard. Because he and I both have problems to ponder. And those problems always come from our roots - our family. And it'd be a fucking understatement to say that our behavior was somehow affected. Anyone can say we're both so dysfunctional, how do we deal with it? I don't know. We just do. He is hard to love and leave. Everything about him screams nothing but warning signs. But when he loves? He loves hard. That's why I'm still with him. He loves hard and I need to be loved hard because that's the only thing I can get from putting up with all of these. And Apollo is the guy.
He is.
I heard him speak. He was telling me about his day. What happened, what he ate, what he did. I closed my eyes at gaya ng ginagawa ko dati. Kakalimutan ko ang mga problema ko at makikinig ako sa mga kwento ni Apollo. He has this power that calms the storm that surges through me.
His hands were playing with my fingers. And sometimes the little skinship is enough to make me feel like I've done something today that's right - and that is being with him.
He made me face him and still with my eyes closed. "You are beautiful. You are brave. You are worthy. Please, believe me." His fingers tracing invisible shapes at my cheek, "And I'm sorry I couldn't do anything. But please, be strong. Because I love you. I love you."
And I believed him. And I do too.
I know that in every wrong turn, Apollo is going to be there for me. No matter what happens. I just hope that whatever I do, he will still be there at the end waiting for me. Because honestly? I don't think I know what I'd without him.
Baka mabaliw ako. Baka di ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko...
