Her crying eyes screamed one word: Betrayal. "Why?"
Things are not supposed to happen this way... but I guess that's too much ask for.
I bit my lip. "I don't know what you're saying, sweetheart-"
"Bullshit, Chaos! 'Wag mo na kong gawing tanga pa! Mahiya ka naman!"
Who would've thought that the very thing that I'm doing will cause her to look at me as if she regrets ever letting me in her life? When in the first place, I did all of these to prevent her from hurting even more. For her greater good. Do anyone really know how hard it is to look at someone you love more than you could ever love another as they break apart right in front of your eyes? And for you to be the reason why?
No one.
"How can you do this to me?"
I don't know. I used to know. Now things are getting way out of hand. Maybe because I love you so fucking much?
"You- I- Let me explain." I tried reaching out for her hand but she took a step back. A sharp pang in my heart made me stop and I froze.
"All this time, I thought you were helping me? I thought we're in this together? You were the only one I hoped would help me. You watch me cry every night, you see me break every day and you hear me beg every time. And... you let me?"
She looked so genuinely confused as if she really couldn't believe I could ever do such a thing. But isn't this the point of loving, sweetheart? Doing things we thought we could never do? Doing things we shouldn't do?
I looked at her as if it was the first time I'm seeing her.
I did watch you and it hurt. But I fell in love with the thought of you needing me when you wanted someone to cry on. I did see you and it hurt. But I fell even harder with the thought of you wanting me to make the pain go away. I did hear you. Sweetheart, I did and I will always do and that's why it hurt. Because every time you say his name, my heart weeps. It cries. It breaks. It begs.
Because even if I'm doing this for you, I still can't help but think... what about me?
Am I making this an excuse for you to love me differently? Realise that I am the one for you? Know that I would never hurt you? See that I deserve your love that's unconditional? I am not a martyr and I'm no saint. The thought never left my mind, yes. Is it wrong? Yes. Because I'm taking your vulnerability as an advantage. Because I wanted you. And I loved you. And I don't know what I'm doing. I used to know what I'm doing but now...
I wanted to say all of that to her. But then, what's the point? She would never understand. Hindi naman siya ang nagmahal at 'di minahal ng pabalik. 'Di ko rin kayang magalit sa kanya dahil wala siyang kasalanan... Hindi niya kasalanan na hindi ako ang mahal niya.
"Did you do this on purpose?" Did I? "Chaos, god damn it! Sagutin mo ko!"
