Oh why do I have to be a selfish bitch, I have no idea.
That was completely out of the line and I knew that. I never should've rubbed that fact on Apollo's face when all he ever did was to stick around with a complicated girl like me. It's just that I have to make my point that my past has the biggest part of my future. The pressure of trying to prove myself to anyone is getting the best of me - more like worst and I'm skyrocketing to insanity - I could feel that.
Parang naging trigger ko na lang talaga si Chaos. 'Yun bang lahat na lang ng tao na dadating sa buhay ko, sasaktan ako.
I just hope I would be able to at least control my pain tolerance so I wouldn't break down like what's happening right now.
The silence that surrounded us almost felt like a slap in the face. My regretful face and his weakened posture made me realize how fucked up I really was. I was driving more and more people away because of self-issues and I didn't want that. They weren't the one to blame. I was the one who kept on embracing the sad truths that led me to self-destruction.
The eerie quietness of my condo suddenly made me claustrophobic and I felt even sicker. The way he looked and gave a smile that didn't reach his eyes once again made me want to curl up in a bed and cry for once more.
One more.
Just one more.
That was the look he gave me when he went to my door, stepped out and closed it. I was left alone.
* * *
I was staring at the ceiling trying to clear my thoughts about everything and concentrated on my breathing. I closed my eyes and consume the silence that the heavens gave me. I could almost hear my heartbeat and it fascinated me.
I wasn't crying but I was lonely.
So, this is how it feels like?
This is how it feels like to know that everyone has gone tired of hearing all my issues with everyone, with my parents and me. If my story were written in a book, a lot of people would try to understand me and half of it will just leave me because I'm full of complexities.
I inhaled and exhaled again. I was getting tired of all the crying. I needed to learn to accept that I could not control everything. I need to accept that people will come into your life and fuck with you and I should not let that get to me.
I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling. The coldness of my bed enveloped me and I suddenly get why Apollo left me. He needed me to fix this on my own because this is between me and my inner demons. I was getting tired of them ruling my recent daylights and it's time I put them back in - inside me. I hope to God I would be able to handle all of this.
I don't like the feeling of being left alone.
God, please. Not ever.
I inhaled and exhaled again. I'm going to take this like a big girl. No more fucking crying. There is only one way to put this all to halt. This is the only way to put an end into this. And I'm going to do it right.
The moonlight made me calm. It was comforting and I was a bit melancholic but I deserved it. I needed to fix myself - try to fix myself again for that matter and as I have said, this time I'm doing it right.
My parents were the biggest contributor to how my life was in spiral shape. I never did actually try to understand them because I was too busy trying to dictate myself that they were the worst person to have been given a child that they could not take care of. I was just so consumed by trying to get their attention that I was losing the will to be mature and act like a dignified person. I grew up lonely and I did that to myself. If only I wasn't so into them, I would've made the better choices and I wouldn't hurt the people I care about now.
I have to accept the fact that the only reason why their relationship ended was to chase the one that could really make them happy. Chasing your happiness is not a mistake, it's a choice. Love is a choice.
Matilda was not really a competition. I should not fight with her because she did not do anything, I was the only one who was blaming her for everything because I thought because of her, my father completely ignored me. I never did realize that my father was the one who kept on pushing us together. My father was trying and I was only making it harder for him. He was trying to reach up to me but I was the one who kept on pushing his attempts away. My father loved me.
Chaos - the man I called my confidante, who confessed his deep emotion towards me, lied to me. He was one of the people whom I really cared about. That's probably the reason I was so hurt because I thought I didn't deserve to be fucked up this low because I have been fucked up since the day I was born. I was just so hurt and the fact that I felt like I was being teamed up with him and Matilda didn't help the way my heart hurt. The man cried in front of me and that was one of the most heartbreaking scenes I have ever had in my entire life. And I felt heartless because, at a point, I instantly forgot that he's a man and it's natural for them to think that way. He was sorry, almost begging on his knees for my forgiveness but I didn't look at him. A friend that I am.
And, of course, Apollo - my greatest love, my everything, my baby damulag.
I texted Apollo.
To: Apollooo
Let's meet up tomorrow.
I sighed and then I made a new text again.
To: Apollo
I love you always.
I closed my eyes and prepared myself for tomorrow for a life-changing change.
From: Apollooo
I love you more than always.
And I will remember that forever.
From: Apollooo
Don't you ever forget it.
