Apollo spooned me while his thumb played with the skin on my hand drawing invisible shapes that never failed to make my heart beat faster than normal. His breathing, that was at the back of my neck, surrounds me with a comfort that I've loved ever since and the way he kisses it when I sigh.
It's one of the most beautiful things ever. The way his body warmth enveloped my tiny one. The way his lips would settle to touch my skin and gives me butterfly kisses here and then. I needed it. I needed him.
I felt guilty.
Why would I doubt his loyalty in the first place? I never did try to justify my sensibility when it comes to what I feel for him. Chaos was right, my love for him was poisonous. And I don't mind.
Chaos.
His name was the epitome of bittersweet. Bakit kailangan niyang gawin sakin 'to? Wala akong matandaan na ginagawang masama sa kanya? Bakit?
I remembered when he approached me at the bar, the way his eyes would look at me softly. Akala ko- Akala ko malinis ang intensyon niya. Napaniwala niya akong gusto talaga niyang maging parte ng buhay ko. His hurt voice when he asked - no, begged to hang out with me when I was having my internal battle If I should tell Apollo about his intentions, it gave me aches.
Bakit nga naman ipagkakait ko ang friendship na 'to sa kanya? I let him. Pinapasok ko siya sa buhay ko. I remembered his face when I told him about how hurt I was because of Apollo's self-pity. I remembered when he confessed his feelings for me. Eh yun, Chaos? Niloko mo din ba ako noon? Pinaglaruan mo lang ba ako noon? Ang galing mong magpanggap na may pakeelam ka sakin pero yun naman pala tinatawanan mo lang ako sa loob loob mo.
I faced Apollo and cried all over again. I was betrayed. The moment Apollo hugged me a while ago, Chaos never hid his hurt upon seeing us but I didn't care because I'm mad at him. It was a silent command for the both of them to leave. After that, Apollo grabbed me and laid me on a bed.
"Niloko ako, Apollo." I whimpered. "Bakit nila ako ginaganito? Anong ginawa ko sa kanila?" Apollo brushed my tears. "Wala akong ginagawang masama sa kanila pero bakit kung pag-usapan na lang nila ako parang isa akong walang kwentang tao? Kung paglaruan na lang nila ako parang hindi ako nakakaramdam kaya ayos lang sa kanila na masaktan ako. Hindi naman ako masamang tao?" I shakily inhaled, "Bakit masakit?"
"Alam mo ba? Akala ko ikaw yung lalaking kasama ni Matilda. Akala ko niloko mo ako. Sobrang sakit ng naramdaman ko Apollo nung inisip ko yun. Sabi mo kasi- Sabi mo kasi-" He kissed my forehead, "Sabi mo kasi hihintayin mo ako dito tapos- tapos narinig ko si Matilda. Akala ko, naagaw ka na niya sakin. Akala ko-"
"Ssh." His lips staying on my forehead.
I was dwelling in my self-pity. Napagod ako.
I eventually stopped sobbing and managed to lower it down to hiccups. I was a stressed lady. I was emotionally and mentally wrecked right now. Ngayon pa ba nila naisip na gawin sakin ito?
I remembered Apollo humming a lullaby. I remembered Apollo pulling me closer, holding me tight and never letting go. I remembered Apollo whispered how everything is going to be okay. And I believed him, I always do.
So, I closed my eyes and focused on the beating of his heart. The last conscious thought I remembered was that the only person I can trust now is Apollo and no one else.
* * *
"Get up." I felt the smack of a pillow on my face. I hated that voice. I woke up with a clenched jaw and I wanted to kill someone. Preferably this bitch right in front of me. "What the hell happened last night? Have you gone crazy? You were a fucking mess last night Caly, you're such an embarrassment."
I slowly stood up and walked through the door brushing past at her in the process. "Get out of my house." I pursed my lips.
"Get out-? That's it? Don't tell me what to do-"
"I said get out!" She never expected my outburst, good.
"You're such a fake Matilda." I looked at her from head to toe. Disgust on my face.
"We both know that you came here just so you could rub it on my face how pathetic I am. Bakit? If I didn't know any better baka pinagtatawanan mo pa ako kagabi. Does it feel good Matilda? Does it feel good seeing me hurt? Does it?!" I was breathing heavily. I could feel that.
She showed no mercy when she acted like she was offended. Oh, so now I'm the bad guy?
"Bakit ha?" Bigla na lang tumulo ang luha sa mata ko. "Anong ginawa ko sayo? Bakit mo ako ginaganito? Bakit kung makapagsalita ka na lang sakin ay kulang na lang isumpa mo ako? Bakit kung sirain mo na lang ako sa ibang tao ay parang hindi ako masasaktan at incapable ako para makaramdam? Bakit, ate?" I emphasized the last word.
I rushed to her side and grabbed her shoulders shaking it. Goddamn it! Nasasaktan ako! "Ate, bakit?! Anong ginawa ko sayo?! Ha?! Anong ginawa ko sa inyo parang ganituhin nyo ako?! Akala mo ba? Akala mo ba hindi ako nasasaktan pag ginaganito mo ako?! Bakit gustong gusto niyo akong pinaglalaruan?! Na sa inyo na ang lahat! Na sa inyo na! Mga walang hiya kayo..."
I gave up. Nanghina ako at napaluhod sa harapan niya. "Mga walang hiya kayo, ate... Anong ginawa ko sa inyo.."
She remained frozen.
That was my state when Apollo suddenly came barging in on my door and rushed to me. That was when Matilda looked away from me. Apollo pulled me to him and hugged me. I heard him trying to make Matilda leave but she wasn't budging.
"Leave. Before I do something I won't regret."
