Do you know the feeling when you try to not think about the worst, try to think of the rational side of the story, try to consider what's happening around you that you have no control to stop yourself from destructing?
When I heard the giggle, aaminin kong si Apollo ang una kong naisip. Aaminin kong sumagi sa isip ko ang posibilidad na hindi ko kailanman kayang tanggapin. Ang posibilidad na ang makita silang dalawa ay ang dahilan kung ba't ako mawawasak. I've tried reasoning out for my benefit. I've tried asking myself questions, 'no, i should not'. I will try to calm down and stop myself from concluding. I will try to think rationally because if this gets the best of me? Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Baka mabaliw ako.
Ang araw na ito ay sumubok sa katatagan ko. Reaching my dreams and stepping another extent to reach the top is not easy. This day made me vulnerable at some point because this is about me and what I want to become in spite of all the struggles I've been drowning myself in for the past years since I've first learned to cry. I've saved all the strength that I have for my knees to keep on standing and I refuse to back down. I refuse.
Pero ang mga bagay na tungkol kay Apollo? Never.
I've tried protecting my heart from all the aches, I've promised myself to build a barrier that would keep him from breaking it thoroughly just for my sake but I failed. All the things, all my love and all that is within me, he has control and he wasn't even trying.
I am a fool.
I swallowed the lump that was never supposed to clog my throat. I fixed my hair and exhaled. I licked my lips and try to concentrate on putting up a strong face. When I heard the giggle again, I swear I could almost taste the blood that I brought to myself from keeping myself from whimpering. God.
I walked slowly, afraid of creating a sound. I followed the faint sound that was muffled and it was located on my left. She was in the kitchen.
When I was only a step away, I threw my bag on the couch. I can already make the voice that was muffled.
"I know you. Nakikita kita sa mga club na pinupuntahan mo like every night? You're a fine specimen and I ask myself. Saan ba nakikita ni Caly ang mga ganitong klaseng dyos sa lupa na sobrang pinagpala? Caly? She's not even half as pretty as me. She's a virgin and you should know, wala kang makukuha sa kanya. With a god like you, alam kong katawan lang niya ang habol mo sa kanya. I tell you, katawan lang ang passable na maganda sa kanya. And the rest? Nada. Walang kwenta. Walang pakinabang. She will be a boring fuck, literally virgin kaya yon!" She laughed.
"Now, tell me. Do you find me attractive?" I was listening. I was hurting, god knows I am. She was evil. And what she said after made me want to bring her back to hell.
"I know you do because if you don't, you could've pushed me when I kissed you but you didn't. Did I just stole you away from my boring sister? I know I did! My sister is pathetic. Lagi ka lang iiyakan nun! Wala kasing magandang nangyayari sa buhay niya. Her life and as well as her is a mess. So, if fun is the only thing you're looking for, I could give you that kind of fun."
Someone laughed.
And to think I was supposed to live with this kind of people? These people are sick! God, I didn't want to but I shed a tear and then another and another and another. Anong naging kasalanan ko? Bakit ako?
I was covering mouth trying to stifle myself from creating a loud sob even if that's what I wanted to do the most. Anong ginagawa ko sa kanila? I leaned on the wall that was separating me from the daughter and son of all evil, covering my mouth. Matilda kept on talking but I was too hurt to notice. Ang sakit.
Ang sakit sakit.
All the emotions came rushing and exploding right in my face. My knees gave up and I found myself in a situation I've dreaded to be in. At the bottom. Where all the people that hurt me was looking at me from the top. I hate them! Pity, Caly. Pity because it's starting over again. The feeling of being left alone. Bakit ganito ang nangyayari sakin? I don't deserve to be tortured like this.
I leaned my head on my knees and hugged it. The only comfort I chose to dwell in. My shoulders were shaking. Pati ba naman pagiyak nahihirapan pa kong ilabas? No. I refuse to show them my weakness. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. Never. I bit my lip from silently sobbing. Sobrang hirap magpanggap na matapang ka kung ikaw lang naman din ang pumipilit sa sarili mong kaya mo. Pero hindi. Hindi ko kaya ang ganitong klaseng sakit.
"Baby," I heard a voice above me. I froze.
Then suddenly, I found myself enveloped with strong arms and gentle voice that almost made me calm. Almost. With all the strength that is left of me, I pushed him and I stood up. I clenched my jaw with hurt evident in my tearful eyes. Apollo remained at his position, shock written all over his face. The moment he saw my state, he immediately stood up and tried to touch me but I pushed him. He was stronger and he stood only a foot away from me.
Then, I heard foot steps.
I saw Matilda frantically walking to find the commotion and the moment she saw me, she froze. I was frozen too. Pero ang hindi ko inaasahan ay taong kasunod niyang lumabas sa kusina.
I looked at Apollo. He was frowning and staring at me. I found myself having the trouble to breathe. My breathing was abnormally flowing through my lungs, I was gasping. I felt sorry for myself.
Apollo took a step closer to me, still guarding my reaction. He slowly reached out for my face and when he did I was still immobilized. He sighed and finally stood close to me. He lifted his other hand to cup my face between his hands and gently move his thumbs on my cheeks, brushing my tears away. I was hiccuping.
I was having an attack.
He leaned his forehead on mine, "Breathe baby. I'm here. I love you." He kissed my forehead and stared at me. His voice soft and low. "I love you." And then he pulled me and hugged me so tight I almost sobbed again.
Apollo...
I put my arms around his waist and put my head on his shoulder. I saw Matilda with her mouth hanging still shock with everything. And then my eyes turned to the man standing beside him.
I glared at him through my teary eyes. He was surprised by my reaction to him and if I didn't know him I wouldn't have noticed the hurt that clouded his face but I couldn't care less. I don't have time for his bullshit.
I knew I would regret it.
I knew I would regret letting Chaos in my life.
