"Stop it." I heard Apollo's cold voice the moment we entered his condo.
Chaos is fucking with my feelings. Matilda is fucking with my feelings. Both of them are fucking with my feelings and I'm an emotional wreck. Oo, hindi naman talaga dapat ako ganito nasasaktan pero hindi ko mapigilan na mapagod. Lagi naman. Lagi naman akong nagtitimpi, lagi naman akong nagkikimkim sa totoong nararamdaman ko sa lahat ng bagay na nangyayari sa paligid ko.
The overwhelming feeling of reaching the success.
The stressing pressure of reaching the top.
The breathtaking love I have for Apollo.
The constant bickering with Matilda.
The oblivious existence of Caly Sebastian to Sebastian Family.
Everything.
My internal battles for everything is messing with me. And everything is going to me all at once, I felt sensitive. I felt aware. Everyone's raping the buttons I have to constrict myself from taking too much. Too much of everything is dangerous. And I think I am the human example of it. Hindi ako OA. Hindi ako nagee-exaggerate.
Naguguluhan ako. Natatakot ako. Ang lahat ng ito ay sabay sabay kong nararamdaman. Positive. Negative. Positive. Negative. Hindi ko alam kung pa'no sila ilalabas. Hindi ko alam kung pa'no sila mako-control. Feeling ko mababaliw ako sa lahat ng mga nangyayari. Siguro nga tama si Matilda, I am pathetic. Pathetic kasi simpleng bagay pinapa-laki ko, tama ba?
But how can you really blame me? I don't even know how to love myself.
Para akong isang batang hindi mailabas ang inis at galit at iniiyak na lang. That's the least that I could do. 'Yun lang alam ko para mailabas ang lahat ng ito. Hindi nila ako maintindihan.
I turned to look at Apollo, my face void of emotion. "What?" I know that my voice sounds so weak and when I talked, parang mas lalo lang siyang nagalit.
He forcefully closed the door and I almost heard it echoed outside his hallway. I flinched. He turned to face me, his stance drawing me trying to make me think that I better fucking listen. "Stop it. Akala ko ba okay ka na?"
Suddenly, I felt furious. I was mad, alright. "Akala mo ba ganun lang kadali, Apollo?"
His jaw was clenched and he shook his head, "Hindi eh. Hindi kita maintindihan, Caly."
"Try to put yourself in my shoe." I firmly replied to him. "Hindi mo alam kung ga'no kasakit."
"Ang alin?! Alin ang masakit Caly?!" He frustratingly asked, his voice reaching a higher volume.
"Oo, hindi ko nga maintindihan. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ka ba talaga nagkakaganyan! Family problems? Alam ko, matagal mo ng kinikimkim yan. Matilda problems? Caly, why now? Bakit ngayon ka lang nagkakaganyan sa kanya eh matagal naman na kayong ganyan sa isa't isa. Your relationship with your sister is constant and never changing. Never changing battles. Never changing exchanging of sharp tongue. Wala namang pinagbago. 'Yang course mo? Oo at nakaka-stress pero kinakaya mo naman diba? Kasi yun ang pangarap mo diba? Alam ko yun. So, anong pinagbago, Caly? Anong pinagbago?! Hindi ko maintindihan kasi wala naman akong nakikitang pinagbago!" I was full on crying now. His breathing was ragged, his stance was fuming and his eyes was pleading. "Ano ang hindi ko maintindihan, Caly?"
I was hiccuping. Para akong batang pinagalitan at hindi kung ano ang maidadahilan.
"Hindi ko alam." I answered him, my voice weaker than before and I chocked. My shoulders were shaking and I couldn't deny that I really didn't have a direct answer to his question.
Parang mas lalo siyang nasaktan sa sinabi ko. He chuckled humorlessly and then his face went melancholy. It hurt me.
Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sakin.
His eyes roamed around my tearful face. "You know what's funny?" I stopped breathing. "Chaos Herrero. That's what's funny."
I frowned at him. "Do not tell me that this is about him-"
"It is. Maybe not, but he was a part of it. You're fond of him-"
"What are you trying to say? That I'm crying because he never did actually wanted to be a part of my life and that he betrayed by going at it with my sister?" I was snapping.
"What Apollo? What are you trying to say? Na lahat ng nararamdaman kong ito ay dahil sa niloko niya ako? Ano, Apollo? Diba 'yun naman? Diba yun naman ang akala mo? Pinapairal mong yang pagseselos na sa loob mo! Alam ko naman eh, alam ko naman na sa simula pa lang nagselos ka na sa kanya. You are so immature, Apollo. I'm an emotional wreck right now at mas ibinubunton mo pa ang lahat ng ito dahil sa pagseselos mo!"
"Hindi lang ito dahil sa pagseselos ko, Caly. I am trying to point out all the possibilities so that I would be able to understand you. I know that you're an emotional wreck. I know that all of these must have been getting into your head that you don't know what the fuck you're going to do to control them. You are stressed. You are having an anxiety attack and you need to rest. I understand. Trying to understand. That's why I'm still here, am I? Kaya nga nandito pa ko sa tabi mo kahit na hindi ko alam kung saan ako lulugar at kung ano pa ang gagawin ko para mabawasan yang sakit na nararamdaman mo."
"No one can fix me." I told him. "Trust me, I've tried. I've tried fixing myself for all of you. But it didn't work. I'm still incapable of trying to prove myself that I am going to be better. All my life-"
"Why do you have to dwell on the past? Why do you have to prove anything to anyone-" He was trying to get me but he can't.
"Because that's the reason why I'm here!" I shouted and I knew he was stunned.
"Baby," He was begging me with his eyes. "You don't have to prove anything to your parents-"
"You wouldn't understand the pain-"
"I understand-" But I cut him off.
"Hindi mo ko maiintindihan dahil anak ka lang sa labas!"
His mouth was slightly parted. He slowly removed his hands that was cupping my crying face and I instantly missed his gentle comfort. I regretted it. Nadala ako ng emosyon. I shook my head, "I-I-I didn't mean that Apollo-"
"It's okay," His smile didn't reach his eyes. "I get it now. Hindi ko talaga maiintindihan kasi lumaki nga naman talaga ako ng walang magulang." I tried reaching out for his hands but he backed away. I could almost hear my heart breaking.
Why, why do I keep on hurting people?
