"Caly, have you studied Hofstadter's law? I still can't figure out how! Ang hirap mag-estimate."
"I have. Sa totoo lang hindi ko rin siya makuha pero tinulungan kasi ako ni Apollo. Kaya kahit papa'no kaya ko ng i-calculate. Are you ready? Ba't di ka nagpatulong kay Fredrick?" Referring to her boyfriend.
Cassie groaned and let her forehead thumped at her table. "Kapag sabay kaming magrereview, walang mangyayari samin. Madi-distract lang kami and we'll end up watching movies. God, I'm going to fail. I just know it!"
I shook my head at her.
"How could you guys do that?" She was frowning and I could almost hear her heartbreaking. She was that hopeless.
I laughed at her. "Kapag si Apollo boyfriend mo. Para ka ng nag-boyfriend ng teacher. Pag aral, aral." I shrugged. "He's strict and very studious but that's a good thing kasi kahit Economics kinuha niya, he knows a lot about Law. It's rare finding him watching and playing video games like others. Libro ang lagi niyang hawak."
There's this one time, I asked him when we were at a bookstore and he bought this really really thick book about Neo-classical, free-market counterrevolution: 1980s and 1990s version which I found weird because he was an economist in the making so bakit kailangan niyang bumili ng counterpart and alam kong hindi nila yun pinag-aaralan and the only thing he said was, "I'm curious."
Let me tell you. I don't buy thick books just because. I buy them because I have to not because I want to. Heaven knows hindi ako magbabasa ng gano'n dahil lang sa curious ako. I'm more of what-the-hell-no-im-perfectly-fine-not-knowing-thank-you-very-much kind of girl. But Apollo well, you know.
"You know, I'm surprised." She suddenly said and I looked at her questioningly. "Kasi kahit ampon siya, hindi siya underachiever."
I just faintly smiled at that. Until now, uncomfortable pa rin ako kapag ina-underestimate nila si Apollo. I focused on finding loopholes in my case and let her be. We weren't close but it's safe to say I consider her an acquaintance. She was friendly enough so I don't have anything against her.
Nasa klase kami ngayon at nagrereview dahil may presentation kami. It's like an actual debating kapag nasa court. This is the most complicated part in our course because not only are we going to study the cases ourselves but also because we're going to have three sets of legit lawyers that will question the studies and findings. In short, para kaming nasa korte. Ipaglalaban ang mga natuklasan namin pero hindi lang iisa ang judge kundi tatlo.
I have to nail this.
I've worked on this for the past few weeks. Nagpapakapuyat ako para pumasa ako dito dahil kapag natupad yun, it'll be a hassle free for me. Nagpakapagod ako sa library at nagbasa ng kung anu-anong libro para dito and I won't take a failing grade because I know I worked on this. I am dedicated and they have to see that. I have to.
For myself, for my future and for my identity.
For myself because this has been a dream for me ever since. Nung pumasa ako ng entrance exam and naabot ko ang quota grade for freshmen who're taking law, halos maiyak ako nun. Nung bata palang ako pinangarap kong maging isang abugado. At gagawin ko ang lahat matupad lang yun.
For my future because this is why I want to be successful. I want my future to be defined. I won't stop until I'll be able to satisfy and live a contented life. And that will happen because I know that I've become who I wanted to be.
For my identity. I don't want to be known as Caly Sebastian. Not just the daughter of the socialite and former supermodel Candide Sebastian, not just the daughter of Calixto Sebastian who is a retired architect in New York. I don't want to be known just because I'm their daughter. I won't settle to be in the shadows. I have to make my own reflection. And I want it to be Lawyer Caly Sebastian.
I've worked so hard for this and I won't back down. I'm just really thankful that Apollo was with me all the way. My boyfriend is a blessing. Always will be.
I was concentrating on my file when we heard the door open. It was time. Mrs. Tan walked in along with one woman and two men. God, I'm nervous. Do I need to deal with three lawyers? I hope to heavens that they won't leave me here. Please God, give me strength. Just looking at their pocketed-smiles makes me want to crawl underneath my chair.
Maybe they wouldn't see me?
But then I remembered one of the two men. It was Mr. Herrero. I was staring at him the whole time because somehow, his gentle face was making me calm. The familiarity bringing a rush in my system that I will nail this. I can do it! I can do this!
"Good afternoon, class. Please compile all your reports on the table at the center. After that, you will all go back to your seats. We will reshuffle the folders to be fair in choosing the first presenter. I hope all of you are fully proofed and equipped. Good luck." Mrs. Tan was making me nervous again that I know. So, I just stared at the floor and collect my thoughts.
Inhale.
Exhale.
We went to the center of the room, looking all sharper and professional because Mrs. Tan said that by the time they entered the hall, the grading system will automatically start. God knows there is nothing more we'd want to do but to run away and just let bygones be bygones. But we have to do this.
We can't fail.
The moment I went back to my seat, I was fidgeting. I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to explode. It was nerve wrecking. We saw them pass the folders to themselves one by one and I was breathless. It was hard to see which one has which one because our folders were all black. It was required.
The moment they fixed their folder, Mrs. Tan nodded at them and they did the same. "The first presenter will be called by Mr. Herrero."
I was going to have a heart attack. I might even faint.
He opened the folder at the top of his piling. I was going to be sick. I - we - saw him flip through the pages and we were tortured to keep our anxiousness to ourselves.
Fuck, maiihi ata ako dito. Kabadong kabado ako.
I felt a vibration on my thigh. It was my phone. I exhaled that oxygen I didn't know I was holding. I can see my fingers shaking while opening the phone.
From: Apollooo
Knock 'em dead, baby. Your prize will be waiting just outside your hall and he will make it all better. I promise. You're amazing.
I sighed. I bit my lip and watched as Mr. Sebastian read the hypnosis of the case. He closed the folder and said, "May I call in, Ms. Sebastian?"
I can do this.
