Apollo's smile while waiting for my answer made me realize how I'm really lost about everything. I wouldn't be stuck in a situation like this if I didn't ask for Chaos' company. I should never have told him to meet me today, I would have been alright self-reflecting with myself. It's not like I haven't gotten used to it, being alone I mean.
I know I'm being inconsiderate of Chaos' feelings but then again none of this would have happened, I never would've taken things this far to the point that I have to hide him in my bathroom just so Apollo wouldn't catch us seeing each other on his back.
Wait, no, not- not seeing each other. Just- just- friends. Chaos and I are only friends. What I mean is that- What I'm trying to say is that- Oh my, god. That is what this looked like. I'm seeing Chaos' behind Apollo's awareness. I'm hiding Chaos from him. I wasn't careful about my decision for Chaos and might end up hurting Apollo in the end because that is what this looks like lying, betraying, manipulating.
"I-" I was stuttering. My voice suddenly got caught in my lying throat. I cleared my throat trying to calm myself. Good god, "I didn't cook that."
He wrinkled his eyebrows, his smile never fading, never leaving, never doubting, "Then who did?" He said as he went into the kitchen trying to inspect the mess and the fettuccine never left his eyes. It looks like a delicious meal, too bad I can't digest that thought and I sighed.
It's like my heart suddenly grew veins, made its way into my lungs, latching the pathway of oxygen making it harder for me to breathe in for my lying soul. Forgive me, my love for this may hurt you and when it does, don't worry. It will hurt me even more. "A friend."
He raised his eyebrows and I managed to lean my head to the right and admire his beauty, it made me breathless than I already do, "A friend?" He said, his voice unsuspecting.
My brain was telling me to say the truth but my heart which is making me breathless made it harder for me to say what I wanted to say, "Yeah."
He nodded, pouted his lips as if thinking. Of course, he would think. I have no excuse and I don't want to lie anymore. I can't do this with him. He picked a fork and tasted the Roman cuisine, "I didn't know you made new friends? Who was it?"
Now or never. "Chaos." My voice was low hoarse and forceful. I stared at him who kept on chewing the food, his eyes transfixed to the pasta. He didn't hear me. I talked again, louder this time. "His name is Chaos."
Then he stopped.
I saw his Adam's apple move as he swallows the food. The pasta. The Roman cuisine that Chaos, the man who I forced to hide in my bathroom, cooked. I really was a fucked up girl.
His eyes never left the food and it was almost too painful to hear his silence. I stared at him, my eyes never losing its focus to calculate all his movements if there was like, how he stood there, his eyes blank and his lips pursed. It felt like a hundred minutes when it was only a minute when he suddenly moved. To me.
It felt like a minute when it was only a nanoseconds as he brushed passed by me as I stood there still facing the kitchen, while my heart hungrily took all the hurt it could manage to make me feel. It felt like he was leaving me, it felt as if he isn't coming back, it felt painful. No, not felt. Feel. I feel the pain slowly tearing my heart and then the tearing stopped.
