Nung 7 years old ako, nagkaron ng family day sa school namin. May mga games at lahat ng mga mommy at daddy ng mga friends ko, dumating. Lahat sila masaya, kumpleto. Lahat sila naglaro. May designated colors of t-shirts para sa bawat family. Naaalala ko noon ang color ng t-shirt ko ay favorite color ko. The sad thing about it was I was the only one who was wearing red.
Alam mo ba yung feeling na may parents ka naman pero walang dumating? May magulang ka naman pero walang pumasok sa room na naka color red? I was a 7 year old girl. Sabi nila mararanasan mo lang ang heartbreak kapag nagmahal ka ng sobra at binalewala lang 'to. Pero hindi totoo yun.
Dahil wala nang mas sasakit pa sa kaalamang, walang darating. Walang pupunta. Nag-iisa ka. I was a 7 year old broken hearted girl. At a young age, natutunan kong magsinungaling.
"Caly, nasa'n mommy at daddy mo?"
"They told me they won't be able to come kasi busy sila sa work. Play tayo?"
"I can't sasali kasi kami nila mommy sa next game. I'll go na? Ba-bye Caly."
I remembered watching her from afar. I remembered her dad lifted her up in the air and kissed her on her forehead while her mom laughed at them. I saw them walked outside to have fun. I remember biting my lip back then and whimper.
Pity. But I was a 7-year-old girl when I learned how to hide my sadness from other people. How broken hearted I was because my parents weren't able to play with me when my friends' can. And I wasn't just talking about playing. Maybe all I really wanted back then was a piggyback ride?
Baka nga yun lang yun. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong feeling na mabigyan ka ng piggy back ride ng daddy mo. Or a homemade sandwich from my mom. I never got to experience though.
Wala na sigurong mas sasakit pa sa pagmamahal na simula pa lang pinagkait na sayo. Sa pagmamahal na kahit kailan hindi naman dapat hinihingi o nililimos kasi ang pagmamahal na yun ay kusang binibigay.
Years have passed and nothing changed. Si Caly Sebastian pa rin ako na nangangarap na magkaron ng pamilya. All my life, I've learned that nothing is ever easy. I was a starved kid who hungers for soup every morning.
Habang lumalaki ako, nakikipaglaban ako sa atensyon ng mga magulang ko. Simula nung naghiwalay sila at nagkaron na ng kanya-kanyang buhay parang bigla na lang nila akong nakalimutan. Parang biglang nawala si Caly.
Yes, lahat ng gusto ko binibigay. I was born with a golden spoon. Lahat ng materyal na bagay nakukuha ko kahit hindi ko hinihingi. Kahit hindi ko hinihingi binibigay nila. Pero yung bagay na gustong-gusto kong makuha, hindi nila maibigay. Kasi hindi nila alam.
Kasi hindi nila alam kung ano 'yun.
Minsan iniisip ko, alam pa ba ng mga parents ko na may anak pa sila?
The moment my mom went to States, all she ever did was to mingle, date and remarry. Sa isang buwan siguro mga 2 beses lang kami nagkakausap at yun ay kung hindi pa ko mangangamusta. The moment my dad remarried, mas lalo akong nawala sa istorya, nagkaron siya agad ng pamilya sa asawa niya dahil may anak na talaga si Tita Karina and that was Matilda. They were busy with their life, they forgot me.
They forgot me.
Alam ko yun. Ramdam ko.
That's why I've carved a promise to my soul. I will have an identity. And that is to prove to everyone especially to my parents that I am here. Magpapakahirap ako para makuha ang pangarap ko. Recognition. Family. Ambition. At kaya kong gawin yun ng ako lang. Ng walang tulong iba. I can do it. No matter how hard it is, kakayanin ko. For the love I have always wanted, needed and craved. For myself.
The feeling of reaching another stair to the top is exhausting but the thought that I'm almost there is what's keeping me going.
"Outstanding presentation, Ms. Sebastian." His fatherly-like smile almost made me cry.
Finally, someone is proud of what I've done. Mr. Herrero almost made me want to run up to him and hug him. All of them nodded and Mrs. Tan was looking at me silently saying well done. I was relieved.
Bumaba ako ng hagdan para makipag-kamay ka sa kanila. Thank you, Lord. I gave them a genuine smile afterward and bowed. I waved at my classmates and bid them good luck. After I closed the door, I cried. I cried happy tears.
God, napagod po ako pero salamat po.
I took my phone out from my bag to see if Apollo texted me and I found that he did.
From: Apollooo
I love you.
I smiled. Ano na naman kaya ang pakulo nito? Nakalutang pa din ang puso at isip ko habang nagmamaneho papunta sa condo ko.
Alam kong papasa ako. All the hard work will be paid off if I nail this report. It'll be like walking in the water when I graduate. Matutupad na ang mga pangarap ko. Minsan din pinapasalamatan ko ang mga magulang ko sa pagkukulang nila dahil kung hindi dahil dun, hindi ko alam kung makikilala ko si Apollo. Hindi ko alam kung magiging ganito ako kalakas para makayanan ang mga bagay bagay. Somehow, forgetting me made me a better person. Because if not, I wouldn't probably trying my hardest to prove something to them.
I was biting my lip when I went inside the elevator. I leaned my head to the side and just exhaled because I was dead tired but also damn fulfilled. Grabe ang araw na to.
I was walking through my hallway when suddenly parang bigla akong kinabahan. Nawala ang ngiti ko at hindi ko alam kung bakit binagalan ko ang paglalakad.
What?
I picked my keys at the pocket in my bag when I stopped right in front of my door. It was dead quiet. It made my heart thump. I slowly exhaled. I slowly turned the keys and turned the knob. The squeaking of the door made it all worse because I was met with silence.
The silence sharpened my hearing. I was able to hear a faint sound. It was horrible. So horrible, I covered my mouth. Trying not to make a sound. God. Is that-
I heard it again.
It was a giggle. And a moan. It was Matilda.
From: Apolloooo
I'll be waiting at your condo, my love.
I closed my eyes.
No.
