"You look miserable. And ugly."
Naging maayos nga ang komplikado kong pamilya kahit papaano. And I guess it's safe to say that everything's back to normal. My family is not perfect and I shouldn't ask for more. I should not dwell on the fact that this situation where I am standing at, is given to me for a reason. Along the way of finding myself in the process, I realized that everything is in place.
Ako lang talaga ang nawala. At hindi lang ako.
Dahil hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nakikita si Apollo. I don't have anyone to call and ask for his whereabouts dahil wala naman siyang mga naging kaibigan. I was the only one who happens to be his confidante, his comfort zone, his security blanket and his one and only.
Akala ko magsisimula ng maiayos ang lahat. Oo, naayos ko nga ang relasyon ko sa pamilya ko. I confessed to my dad. I apologize for my selfish behavior and slow acceptance for everything. I had a talk with my mom that doesn't involve two to three questions but really talk about everything. It was very overwhelming that every night I cry myself to sleep because I was relieved from the grudge that was dragging me down.
It was almost half a year now of self realization and still counting. Almost 4 months of trying to team up with Chaos because he said he could help me. Sa ngayon, siya na lang ang inaasahan kong makakatulong sakin para mahanap ko ang lalaking pinakawalan ko dahil sa pagiging makasarili ko na marahil ay pagsisisihan ko habangbuhay. Pero kung sino man ang malalagay sa ganung klaseng pagmamahal at sitwasyon, ay marahil mababaliw dahil hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko noon.
I was reckless and so much in love. I was going to be insane.
I loved Apollo so fucking much na feeling ko - feeling ko mamamatay ako pag wala siya na kasama ko. And maybe this is what they call karma and damned because it felt like hell. Sa bawat araw na paggising ko ay hindi lang ako nilalamon ng konsensiya ko pero binabaliw na rin ako sa pagiisip at pagaalala kung nasan na si Apollo. Hindi ko alam kung kumakain ba siya.
I humorlessly chuckled.
Malamang hindi yun nakakakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw dahil wala ako para magpaalala na kumain na siya. Baka nagkasakit na yun ngayon at walang nagaalaga sa kanya. Baka kung ano ng nangyari sa kanya. Malamang kinamumuhian niya ako ngayon. Malamang sobrang nasasaktan siya ngayon na ni katiting ng nararamdaman niya ay wala sa kalingkingan ng nararamdaman ko. Napakasama ko.
Napakasama ko dahil sobrang minahal ko siya.
Nakakabaliw. Sobrang nakakabaliw ang magmahal ng ganito.
-
I looked at Matilda who looked effortlessly beautiful in her sportswear. Her sweat looked like sparks and she looked good. She was beautiful.
"How are you, Matilda?" I said as I continued staring at her while I sat up on my bed. This bed is the only one thing I can count on every night as I close my eyes and miss him. And also the one who kept me company when there's no one else I'd rather be with but him.
Araw-araw ay lagi niya akong pinupuntahan. Walang mintis. Magja-jogging siya at diretso siyang pupunta dito para lang makita kung ano na ang kalagayan ko. I find it sweet kahit ganito ang good morning sa kanya: ang sabihin kung anong itsura ko. Which I could not deny because I really was a wreck. Just not sure If I already did look like one? Trust my sister to the job.
