ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

envisions of you

not proof read, srry superrrr tired

january 20

i'm just leaving a therapy session when my phone dings. it doesn't usually go off as much but ever since i gave billie my number it's been rather frequent.
i check her text, she wants to come over.

she wants to come over.

i keep forgetting that that's what friends do. they come over, you guys hang out, eat overly sugary snacks and laugh at stupid movies.
but billie and i; we're hardly friends, barely acquaintances.

i did clean my apartment though and i'd love for someone to acknowledge the cleanliness.

i respond with sure because though i love my solitude i'd would like to experience the excitement of early 20s slumber parties.

when you've just graduated and all of your old friends finally meet up after splitting to separate colleges; though i didn't just graduate, and i didn't really have friends so this isn't anything like that.

as i walk up to my apartment and into my room i feel the confusing need to brush my hair and put on something more comfortable.

usually, when i return from a therapy session i am flopping down onto my unmade bed in my messy room, but right now i'm making my bed and lighting a candle.

all i can think is why am i doing this, but as there's a knock on my door i have no time to change my mind.

i open my door after running my hands through my hair and down my shirt. 
"hi pretty" is what billie says as i open the door for her. she's the only person who calls me pretty this frequently, i can't tell if i liked it or not.

"hi stranger" i respond.

she walks in, examining the apartment that was mostly decorated by my perfectionist mother, to say the least, my apartment looks straight out of a magazine catalog.

"this is nice," billie says looking over at me. i don't think she'd lie, so i smile and accept her compliment.
"thank you," i say as billie simply makes herself at home by taking her shoes off and sitting on my white couch.

she looks over at me as i stare at her. she's so gorgeous, i don't think i can say it enough, i don't want to get too wrapped up in it because i know i'll begin to compare myself.

she has on a nike sweatsuit and somehow her hair fits into a tiny bun. "dawn" she says, billie voice isn't velvet. it is beach waves. it flows so beautifully. it's calming.

i like it.

billie

this girl, this beautiful girl has finally acknowledged me calling her name as she sits next to me.
she yawns and she yawns and she yawns again; it's cute. i think dawn is someone that i'll grow very close to, very quickly.

she lays down, but she's sure not to invade my personal space. i haven't quite figured dawn out as much as she's figured me, and i think i liked that.

she's a mystery, unpredictable.

i watch dawn as she turns on a movie, and even just her doing that is enough to make me weak. this unspoken comfort that we're in is enough.

i put my feet up and lay down the opposite way, our heads touching. dawn giggles.

"je vais tomber amoureux de toi" i mumble to myself, dawn giggles again "you're gonna have to teach me, french stranger."

i say okay because i'd love every last bit of it.

dawn

i don't know how long it's been since i'm in my room when my eyes open. my doors open and i can see that my entire apartment is pitch black except for the glow under my bathroom door.

i don't get up to check why because i know why. eventually, billie comes out of the bathroom but she doesn't know i'm awake, at least not yet.

she starts walking out of my room after staring at my silhouette, i can't resist the urge to call out for her.

"billie," i say groggily, she whips her head around "hmm," billie says.

"i don't want to be alone."

i never thought i hear those six words leave my lips but here i am. i love being alone. i love living alone but something about billie makes me hate being lonely.

i think she chuckles and i liked to imagine she blushed as well. i watch her as she sits on my bed "i'll stay until you fall back asleep" billie says.

i don't answer, i want her to spend the night perhaps but i don't wanna ask. we've just only met and like i said before, we're hardly friends.

i think she's acknowledged my silence as she laughs.

"i can spend the night if you'd like dawn."

a voice like waves.

"okay" i barely say, she laughs again yet this time there's a content sigh that follows. i liked to imagine she's sighing because she wanted to spend the night and was afraid to ask.

as billie now lay under my covers and next to me j feel weirdly okay. i feel the urge to be closer as her knees brush against mine.

my mind will soon take over and i will be nonexistent here. my head will fill with "what if" and billies face. my mind can take me anywhere in just two seconds and j loved it. i loved making up worlds and i loved to imagine. 

right now i imagine billie taking my leg and wrapping it around her waist. i imagine that she'd pull my head closer under her chin while stroking said leg. i imagine i'd feel weird at first because i'd never been cuddled.

i imagine her whispers of french into my ear. i imagine her french making me blush and making me hot in places i don't want to say.

i imagine her loving all of me.