ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

no goodbye needed

june 25

the sound of the tv went through my ears and out repeatedly while jinx purred in my lap. my eyes stared at the screen yet it was blurry, as i couldn't even find enough strength to refocus my vision.
billie sat next to me, her legs propped up in my lap as she watched whatever movie was on.

everything has been such a blur and i don't even know what day it is to be very honest with you.
my body was tired, done trying.

to be clear and blunt, i knew that every day i got weaker, prompting my coming death to reach me sooner.

as the credit scene rolls onto the tv, billie yawns and stretches before fixing herself to lay her head on my shoulder.

"you alright," she asked me, stroking the skin on my hand before petting the fur on jinx.
i hum, interlocking our fingers slowly.

we sit like this for a while, both of our minds probably running like crazy.
all i could think about was not being able to be in this moment again, how i'll never get to do this until i was old and fragile.

i mean i've grown up with this type of stuff all my life. my entire life it was; discover more cancer, treat it, force said cancer to "go away," think it's over, and then repeat.

it's all a fucked up game of how fast body could heal itself and this time it certainly doesn't want to play.

"dawn," billie says quietly, her voice soft and timid. i hum, "yes angel?"
billie sits up, cupping my cheek in her hand before kissing me, "i love you, okay?"

i nod "i love you— what's the matter?"

she shakes her head, moving it back on my shoulder, "nothing i'm just thinking."

i nod, and before i can ask about what, she's already answering.
"about you and me, and a bunch of other things i don't want to touch on. i'm just— i want you to just understand that if you're ready then you can let go. i don't want you to keep holding on and hurting yourself all for my sake."

billie breathes in, tightening her grip on my hand, "i'll be okay, your mom, and tiana and everyone else who loves you will be okay— you'll be okay dawn, you know that right?"

i was unsure of what billie was going on about, i mean like i said i have been out of the loop and feeling so weak that i can't even process what was going on.

"okay billie, but i'm not going to say goodbye to you, you know that right," i asked her.
billie furrows her eyebrows "what do you mean?"

"i mean i'm not going to give up, i'm not doing to die or leave you here with a forever goodbye, that would be unfair."

she nods, "so what will you say?"

i smile softly, hoping even i can believe the words about to pour from my lips.
"i will say nothing because i'm not leaving you beautiful. no goodbye will be needed if i am not going anywhere."

528 words