ꜱɪʟᴇɴᴛʟʏ ᴘᴇʀɪꜱʜ

five stages of grief

july 16

the meowing at billies bedroom door. the creaking of the floorboards. even the sound of billies breathing was driving her insane.
she'd been sleeping on the couch, too fresh in grief to even be able to step into her room. her sheets smelled too much like dawn, even her couch smelled too much like her but somehow the room was worse.
reminded her of cuddling, reminded her of shit she didn't need to think about.

"shut up," she says to jinx "she's not here."

jinx only meows louder, causing billie to get up and stand in front of the clueless cat.
"she's not fucking here" billie exclaims, though she knew the cat couldn't understand a word she was saying, she opened the door "see? she's gone!"

she allowed jinx to roam around her room until settling on her bed and curling up for a nap. she envied the cat, envied the way she so easily walked in a room so deafeningly quiet it pained her.

she stood at the opened door, staring until her throat closed in so tight she couldn't breathe. she felt herself gasping for air. she felt herself shaking, felt herself shutting down.
billie walked into the kitchen for water yet she couldn't even open the bottle, she was far too shaken.

"stop" she whispered to herself "just breathe."

but even that didn't help.

now sitting on the kitchen floor, the room seeming to swallow her whole. her chest moves rapidly, it hurts billie, it pains her so deep she can't even sit upright.
tears run down her red face as she grips the roots of her hair. she swallows as if looking for air but oxygen just seemed so far away.

"one thing i can taste," she said.
"two things i can smell," she said.
"three things i can hear," she said
"four things i can feel," she said.
"five things i can see," billie said.

but none of that works. all she could taste was the sweet chapstick dawn used to wear, all she could smell was dawns favorite perfume, all she could hear was the sound of dawns voice ricocheting off the walls of her head.
she couldn't feel anything but the smooth texture of dawns body, the way she felt like silk itself. billie could only see dawn when she closed her eyes, dawn when she opened her eyes— because dawn was haunting her thoughts making her think of only her.

she screamed as she hugged herself, scratching at the bare skin on her arms. billie couldn't understand what was happening, perhaps she was going crazy, is what she thought as she kicked at the cabinets in front of her.

and as if something just switched, billie was up on her feet, throwing things around in so much rage even she couldn't comprehend.
she was so angry. so mad that she couldn't do anything to stop it, that no one in this fucked up world has found a fucking cure. she was so angry that the universe decided that to be dawns fate.

billie hated herself for cursing the universe but she didn't care as she continued to completely destroy the house she called home. the couch, knocked over and laying on its backside, her glass table— broken as if it was nothing, the frames on her wall, on the ground and completely shattered.
billie had already reached the second stage of grief in just under twenty-four hours.

she stops, sobbing so loud that it hurts her throat. she looks at jinx, that came out of the room a while ago hiding behind the island in her kitchen.
she tries to pick the cat up yet, she backs away— billie had scared the poor thing, and that only made her cry harder.

the only thing she could think of was to call tiana, asking her to come get her, fore if billie had stayed in that house any longer, she was afraid she'd hurt herself too.

666 words